This test was far more challenging than anything else I have ever done in the dojo. I spent an entire week before the test preparing to be pushed well beyond my limits both physically and mentally. Boy, was it hard!
The test was on a Saturday. This Saturday on with my test fell happened to be a Spirit Training day. Spirit Training is a two hour session where you train and practice so hard that the only thing you have left to carry you out of the dojo is your spirit. Part of testing for a belt involves the depth and commitment of your spirit to progress; as such, my excitement and stress were through the roof because there is nothing more fulfilling for my spirit than to put my absolute best effort into karate. However, that stress is something I have to keep carefully in check because I have a body that does not always agree with the interests of its resident mind. Such is the hardest obstacle for me, but it was never an unknown obstacle and I have developed many strategies for managing the disparity.
The class ran over by a half hour for a total of two and a half hours of training in a room that certainly felt like it was over 80 degrees. 65 degrees is the cutoff point for my ability to keep conscious without medical intervention. But there's certain days when I'm just not willing to entertain the idea of staying home, and so far this test presented the most physically demanding challenge of my entire life. I wasn't going to miss it! I spent a lot of time that morning getting hydrated and medicated properly, doing proper physiotherapy to warm up, applying analgesia where necessary, and in prayer.
I have had a very difficult time staying conscious in my previous test environments and they're only getting more complicated, so I needed to set myself up for success. And you know what? It worked! I had to take three hydration and homeostasis breaks during which I was terrified that I would not be able to continue. I am fairly certain that my sensei was perfectly aware of my fear, because he delivered a great deal of coaching to help everybody put their best foot forward. Because I also teach, albeit in another subject, I understand that it can be very draining to constantly have to coach and cajole one's students through a rigorous day, but to my surprise it was absolutely what got me through the program successfully. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but I think it had something to do with not feeling invisible just because I got sick and had to step out. The fact that he was aware of my care strategy and insisted on full inclusion anyway really gave me the gumption to continue on, holding myself to the same standards as everyone else , standards that are primarily grounded in surpassing one's own progress and defeating setbacks at least for the moment.
I did indeed manage to stay conscious for the majority of this training, and only had to fully stop one time to recover my blood pressure and visual field. I was conscious at the end of the class and received my belt with a gigantic grin on my face. I have never been so proud of myself, and I have never loved a physical trainer as much as I love my physiotherapist, because no one has ever been strong and sensitive enough to help me get the same results as everybody else gets, in a way that works for me, no matter what.
I worked so hard for this, and others worked with me through it. The combination of those two efforts is where the Spirit comes from . I assure you, it's really all you need to have left by the end of Spirit Training.
The very next day I spiked a 102 temperature and couldn't move a single muscle in my body, a condition with many other complications which lasted for several days. As I lay in bed I ponder the words my physiotherapist said to me, that I should make my memories now, because when I'm laying in that bed I will want to have the memories to keep me company. After such a fine accomplishment as my orange belt, my subsequent illness proved him right. If I'm not particularly trying for anything when I'm well, I really just feel wasted when I am unwell. Karate helps me keep focused on the life part of being alive, and not the sick part.
Tonight was my first night back in the dojo after a full week and I felt a great deal of heartache when I saw my fellow students because I had really missed them, ached for them, wondered how they were doing, wondered if they wondered how I was doing. Imagine how warm my heart became when every single instance of eye contact I made with anyone else in the dojo crept up to my arching eyebrows as the corners of my lips turned upward and I felt that curiously wonderful feeling that I get when I seem to be smiling with my entire body.
Every good feeling I experience in the dojo is so genuine and real that its almost hard to cope with the reality of kindness, wellness, and love. But there it is, and that's what it is, and thank goodness it isn't going anywhere.
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