Who cares about anatomy?

I think everyone, especially everyone with a chronic illness, should read at least one Anatomy & Physiology book, even if they won't understand it all. It has really helped me put the pieces together and keep the terror at bay. I can get through a violent muscle spasm in my "shoulder" by knowing, "well of course it hurts, it's right over my brachial plexus!" I know it sounds intimidating but it makes a huge difference.

The spasms on my brachial plexus on either side have become officially chronic. Last night one was so severe that I had to leave the dojo. When I got home I showered, took a beefy muscle relaxer, and my night was over. I lay awake surfing funny animal photos on Pinterest, waiting for the pill to deaden the hellfire in my neck.

When I can't get to karate it's a horrible time. My emotions go into a tantrum and I feel so lonely for my karate family. I try hard to be patient, but I reel on the fact that karate is the one thing in which I have ever physically succeeded, and it's all I want to do.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that, if I could just arm myself with enough knowledge, maybe I could beat Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. At those times it couldn't be harder to accept that such a plan is completely unrealistic. Although, knowing more does help me cope better, in that it helps me to communicate exactly what I'm going through, helps me interpret what moves I need to make next, and helps me push myself to do the therapeutic work I need to perform after I exercise.

My health has been on a frightening decline since July. But I'm stubborn and I'm working hard on this life, piece by piece, poco a poco.

Mister Misser

All night I had violent muscle spasms, an amplified form of the day's evil pains. These spams hit so hard and fast that if I could replicate them I might get a new kata. My body wrenches so hard that I flail, so heaven help you if I happen to be nearby with hot tea in an uncovered tumbler. I got a dislocation that it took me hours to reduce, a bruise from flailing into the wall, a nasty headache and soreness all over.

I missed karate this morning.

Today I had a lot of plans. I won't be able to do them independently. I might not be able at all, we'll see. So far I've had breakfast and brushed my teeth. This is an enormous accomplishment every single day and I give thanks for that.

There is nothing in my dojokun about perseverance, and I prefer it that way. Sensei often speaks about Higaonna-Sensei's unforgiving and relentless hours of repetitive drills. He says of 2007 punches while crouched in shiko dachi, "but you know what? I got through it by only thinking about the one I'm doing: now this punch... now this punch...now this punch...."

My point is that it makes sense that mindfulness has a cumulative impact on overall success. That is, just focus on the next task. It's very hard to do that with EDS because I will wear myself out for several days by doing certain things for five minutes, and this is not hyperbole.

I hate missing karate. That place is the only thing I strive to do, the only thing I always enjoy. It's where I get to be with myself and my body in a positive way. When I can't make it I feel so sorry, so very sad. I miss my Sensei, I miss working in groups, I miss just being somewhere and knowing that I don't have to plan out the next hour. I can just hang out and have fun, and know that I will be able to handle anything that happens there. 

Being in the dojo reduces the anxiety I have about EDS. We never do a drill for very long, and if we do I just take a rest when I need to. Sensei has instructed me to bow out and rest when I need to, so that means being a tough guy is not acceptable. I have to follow the rules and be honest about what I can and cannot do. In that sense I interact with my body's limits, and it doesn't seem unmanageable like it does outside of the dojo.

My second instruction is to get back in there as soon as I can. I live for that feeling I get when I open the door and bow back in.