Life Off the Vent

This story meanders a bit, stay with me. I'll try to give trail heads. 

Assault:

I get hit on. A lot. It's always been this way. Last week I got hit on twice in the same day, the first time the guy followed me on my walk home from physical therapy. He would have overpowered me, even with my knife. I got away by taking his number and texting him. It was hours of receiving pictures I did not ask for and being told all sorts of things intended to lure me. I got lured in and raped that way on a military base at 19, and sexually assaulted in similar fashion a few years ago, which the police, courts, and crisis centers made so much worse. This time, I used the tactic to my advantage.

❌ Fight

❌ Flight

❌ Freeze

✅ Fawn

Surgery:

When you go under the knife for a surgery there's a time in post-op where you are taken off the vent and woken up. Even though my vitals say I'm at 100% Sp02 it always feels for a few hours like I can't fill my lungs no matter how hard I try. It's like they are sticky, they won't expand and I can't get to them. But that first conscious breath coming off the vent is a doozy, and that's what I felt last weekend in my spirit.

My karate origin story:

Over a decade ago, a Sensei from Isshin Ryu in my home state let me participate in a women's self defense training at his dojo to see if I could even physically manage using my body for self-defense. Clearly, he already knew the 'if' answer was yes, and the core process was to determine the 'how'. When that day ended I was hooked and it started me off on a journey in Goju Ryu in the state where I lived, which changed how I lived, forever. 

Medical:

When I could no longer stay conscious on my own an Bard IV PowerPort gave me seven terrific years of additional freedom to continue earning a living, living independently, and it unlocked in me the ability to really exercise for the first time in my life. Then I got sepsis. Thrice. It set off a cascade of devastating losses in my life, one of which was karate. I lost my career, my health, many relationships, my freedom, and so much more. 

For the past six years I have been hanging out and coping, trying to find what to do with myself while I wait for death. I have worked on a million projects with no sense of meaning or direction, just passing the time as best I can until I don't have to fight and suffer anymore. This is not a good way to live.

Assault - new response:

After I was followed last week I collapsed for a few days, and didn't know what to do. I cancelled plans, ignored my phone, and let myself sit with the fear and humiliation I went through to get myself away safely. Given my rough history, I had all sorts of helpless feelings of being trapped and tired of fighting just to exist until death. I took all that to a therapist to discuss it and get my head level, back in the present moment. Then I contacted the Sensei who gave me my start in my home state. Again undeterred, he invited me to a knife training class as a refresher. 

For years I hadn't been on the mat, most of my final classes were online during the pandemic. I've had a massive weight change, so my gi no longer fit properly. Sensei removed that barrier by explaining that in knife class they train with black pants and white T-shirts. No problem, I have one of each! And the dojo has gi in my new size, though my obi is far too long now.

Waking up:

Back on the mat I knew exactly what the Sensei of that class needed to know and how to adapt, because I've been welcomed to participate at this dojo when I've been in town over the years. They are a welcoming and considerate culture of martial artists, integrated from lots of different styles. It's their culture to honour diversity.

When I saw how naturally it came back to me I had to do something about it. I spent an hour journaling right after I stepped off the mat. Sensei sat and reviewed it all with me, which took an hour. When I started in Goju Ryu I had had a similar talk with my Sensei there, so I knew this was essential, appropriate, and generous.

Sensei invited me to try for a month, sold me an affordable new gi in my new size, and off I went. I wish I could remember how he'd said it, but he advised me to wear my white gi with my 1-kyu obi. The white gi would show that I'm new to Isshin Ryu. The 1-kyu obi would show that I'm coming from another style where my rank is higher, so that Sensei and Senpai could set their expectations appropriately to my skill level. I felt such a life and dignity when I was told to wear my obi, it's an honour to have achieved what I have in Goju Ryu, which I owe 100% to my Goju Ryu dojo and to Higaonna Morio-Sensei, plus fellow practitioners the world around. When I wear my 1-kyu obi, they are all with me. There is no brown-black obi in Isshin Ryu so it's clear that I'm coming from a foreign style with no risk of confusion. My obi was earned and it's really mine, so I am extremely proud and humbled by the invitation to wear it. I feel safe in it.

My first class of Isshin Ryu was fantastic. I learned a lot, remembered even more, enjoyed my muscle memory, and got my brain into the mindset of taking in new guidance with humility. My body kept up because I knew better than I'd realized how to pace myself and communicate my needs. I left there feeling alive for the first time in over a half-decade. 

It's now three days later and I'm still on the couch recovering from the exhaustion and managing pain, but I earned this. It's not a wasting away from an unused body; it's a triumphant call to rest and recover from an awakening. It will take months to years just to get my body on track again to whatever its new normal will be without hydration and with other novel, severe diagnoses. But it's life, and it is not waiting for death. I am not waiting for death when I am doing the karate that has been so much of my life and identity for so long.

While it's disgusting that my return to the mat comes from a bastard loser making me fear for my life and safety, I have long-since developed a trajectory, goals, and methods for myself to survive this kind of nonsense. When I got out a paper and pen they were all there for me.

Higaonna Morio-Sensei started a new global federation at age 84. I am starting over again, too. My flabbers are ghasted. I'm back here on earth, just waking up to build my new empire. I must stay brave, and that will be the challenge going forward, but as for today, I celebrate.

Onegaishimasu.

On Karate, Pants, and the Flow of Teachable Interventions

"Pull your pants up!" I heard from my spot in line behind the teen who received this poorly decided advisement from the man taking tickets to the reptile show. The man's voice was loud and his tone was nasty. Immediately the teen complied--until he was through the door, at which point his pants dropped right back down to where they were. Then it was my turn. "Fucking prick!" the man yelled, "he pulled his pants back down again as soon as he was in the door!"

"And that's the way to handle that?" I asked the man. I was not yet through the door and the man to whom I'd handed my ticket was allowed to close it. 

But I'd paid for a ticket and nothing about my encounter with this unhappy man was going to prevent me from getting through the door, if I could just keep my temper in check.

"Well he's being disrespectful!"

"I understand that that's how you feel, and I am asking you whether telling and swearing at a child in front of other paying patrons is the way to handle that."

He did not answer. He had shouted at a teenager to make the teenager feel guilty and embarrassed, and his shouting didn't work. But what it did do was embarrass him when somebody called him out on it.

The last thing I want is for people to dread talking to me. It is never my intention to embarrass, even to teach somebody what it feels like. I had to do it once to help a young teen understand what his behaviour looked like and how it affected his mother. I screamed like any number of people used to scream at me when I was  getting a beating as a child. As I was growing up other adults would watch or go on about their days as though my cries (and subsequent blows for having cried) were radio static and nobody was to touch the radio dial. I never begged them to step in because I knew nobody would. Later I learned that the silence of not seeking help or comfort has to do with attachment to a caregiver who is supposed to protect you and does not.

The day I had become the one yelling at a young teen I had spent the rest of that evening debriefing with other children in the house, one by one, to make sure they understood why I had done it, reminding them that I love them all, and that instead of ever talking to someone that way they should go to an adult they trust to discuss what happened and what they might like to do about it--even when they become adults themselves. What had he done? He had been irritable and lashing out for most of the day, but then swore at his mother, which I would not tolerate.

During the reptile show I stayed out of the ticket man's way by changing direction if I saw him in my path. He was much older and I had wholly embarrassed him on several levels. I think it hurt his dignity that some female with a cane took him down a peg, and in such a way that any further raging would clearly be more of him embarrassing himself. After challenging somebody you don't further harangue them with your presence while they lick their wounds. If anything, you go back and render aid. I had deeply wanted to follow up, but I was there to have fun and I had made my point.

I did not further engage the man because I had challenged a belief about how to behave when feeling disrespected and he instantly recoiled. I did not unpack different reasons he might feel disrespected, or bring up public or political events that are linked to disrespect as a buzz word. I did not attack him personally, make assumptions about his values, call a supervisor, leave the event, raise my voice, or ignore an indignity that could have been prevented. And boy, was it hard. 

My two primary goals of Goju Ryu are to end an altercation as quickly as possible and to be a better person than you I was yesterday.

If I had had more time to deconstruct the situation in the moment I would have followed the young teen to talk about it and to discuss how he made his decision to appease the ticket man, but only until out of sight. 

Was the teen's behaviour indeed disrespectful? Maybe. He had been yelled at and embarrassed in front of a crowd. A young male, he was compliant with the request. But no one else's waistlines were checked. No skirts are checked by the antiquated practice of ensuring that skirts were no shorter than 3" below where the middle finger falls when hands are at the side.

Regardless of how much I did and how I did it, what I did do was my best at the time. As a participant who invited themselves into the exchange I'm here in my blog, reviewing my own behaviour, to decide what I might have done differently, if anything. I will not be a safe person to be inhumane around. But I am also still honing my skills at leading and teaching. Teaching is messy work and so is learning.

To be a good teacher you have to be clear about your objective. My objective was to  intervene and remedy without causing further harm to what I saw as an injustice. My motivation is to never stand by and allow a person to suffer the way I did. 

Activism, to the activist, is hugely trauma and compassion work. It's about not tolerating what we see in front of us when what we see is harmful to others. Some of us don't want people to suffer like we did. Some of us didn't suffer and understand the benefits of limiting the suffering of another being.

Note: In this article I did not mention the race of either participant. If you have ideas about what their races might have been, this is a great moment, right now, to think about what background ideas behind your assumptions may be inaccurate or even misleading. You might wish to discuss them with someone you trust. Right now. Put words on it. 

Gassho.

What's Making An Ask?

Ask for what you need; the point of this world is to share what we have when we already have more than enough.

When you make an ask, you give others a chance to take something they maybe didn't even know they were ready to give. You are a catalyst for helping them move on to something new with their space. New and fresh decisions come so much more easily when charged with new hope for what has been given up to make that space. It makes space in the giver's mind for the work of dreaming.

When you make an ask, you offer a continuation for something they have loved, something they've cared for--and they didn't even know that good thing was on its way to find them.

So who is really the giver here? Both. That, to me, is humility. It's a relationship, not a factor singularly controlled by one side of a connection or the other. It's what gives beauty to balance, otherwise balance is just a pause before the next thing happens.

Karate was born in Naha (Okinawa). Please think about that with me. They weren't a series of small, isolated groups that rebranded their fancy exercise program. They were neighbours, and they were a small and united people, on an island, and they were surviving. In a way, that's the whole world. So if I have something I can give, please ask me. Do me the favour.

On Static vs. Dynamic Exercises and Stretching*

"If you can't explain it you don't know it well enough." -Einstein

It's been three years since my last belt test. I tested for 1-kyu in Goju Ryu Karate on November 11, 2020, via Zoom online. My tests are adapted to suit what I can physically do, which is largely kata (forms) and solo kihon bunkai (basic applications). I also need to understand what others can do with the system, and I need to be able to adapt what I can't do in such a way that it would work in the street. This was set from Day One with my Sensei in a meeting that lasted for four hours while we sussed out what my training was going to look like. That was about nine years ago. That's a long time to be a kyu-level belt (non-black). But some people never get this far.

The notes below are a summary of what I've learned about muscles locking up intensely and painfully. My port and daily IV fluids must have been preventing these problems for years. I'm grateful for seven years with my port, it's unprecedented. My medical team is incredible and the value of a supportive Primary Care Physician cannot be understated. For over two years I've been in Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy, among other rehabilitative efforts. I've also beaten the grave four times, retired, started a small business, bought a new-to-me mustang (I love mustangs, it's like getting a limb back), while also living through the pandemic and attending karate to the fullest, safest extent possible. (That's another story worth telling and this little note is to remind myself!) None of this is medical advice and don't trust everything you read on the Internet. I haven't even run this by my PTs yet.

The Ehlers-Danlos community has already benefited from my Sensei's leadership by observing and trying these methods. My Sensei has also been actively outspoken beside me, and others, teaching people with all sorts of abilities that martial arts is for everyone, that our school welcomes everyone. He's helped lots of us unpack negative experiences with instructors who pushed EDSers to the point of injury or quitting. 

Indomitable acceptance in the dojo is founded in the school's Christian values, and people of all backgrounds are welcome. If I were Jesus that's what I'd want to see. Anyway, on with the science notes: 

On Static vs. Dynamic Exercises and Stretching*

• Given
• When the muscle must contract it's happy to do its job, even if that job is a little tougher because of instability.
• When the muscle must relax, those fibres have no idea where to stop because tendons aren't stabilizing or providing usable feedback. So, the muscle is inclined to remain contracted: "Any time now, tendons.... Guys?"
• Interventions: milieu approach, e.g.,
• Isometrics give the muscles a chance to practice both strength (muscle's ability to contract)
• Short, sustained reps for tone (muscle's ability to remain contracted), and 
• ...also releasing and relaxing in between reps (except they suck at relaxing).
• Manual therapies aid in the physical release of muscle fibres which can only relax passively.
• Pharmacology aids in the chemical release of muscle fibres, which are chemically gated by extraneous sympathetic activity, hormones, diet, exercise, psychology, family hx, etc.
• Things I couldn't fit elsewhere
• Timing - time of day/month; interventions before/after activity; last meds, food, hydration, electrolytes
• Psych - last boost of oxytocin or dopamine; last interpersonal reaction; psychological flexibility; emotional regulation; cats?
• Environment - weather; climate; physical safety risks; fall risks
• Adaptive equipment - tapes; braces; splints; mobility aids, environmental mods
• Support - care team; community members; friends; family, and access to them all
• Misc - what else is hurting (and what isn't!); energy levels; cognition; quality of above factors
• If a muscle group isn't working right, check the opposing muscle groups.
  
• Ongoing "learning opportunities" (that aren't necessarily functional goals, but are more qualitative)
• Emotional endurance when things look bleak for a long time
• When I get sick, any of this knowledge that isn't rote goes out the window.
• Prevention and managing crashes (exhaustion, injury)
• I forgot how to know when a muscle is fatigued vs. exhausted, and when that's a useful vs. hazardous.
• WTF, diet/guts?
• Consistent exercise program
• Managing kinesiophobia and coping without a port like a freakin' boss
• WTF, mind/body connection?
• Communicating with providers succinctly ;)
• Things to remember
• "If you can't explain it you don't know it well enough." -Einstein
• I didn't come this far just to make it this far
• I must rest when my rampage is over
• Didn't cause it, can't cure it, might bitch about it, can endure it.
• Nourish to flourish
• Take your meds. Your doctors know they're not prescribing Jolly Ranchers. (that's mine!) :)
• Sometimes to let it heal you have to stop fuckin' with it. (also mine) :)

Be well. Whatever you celebrate, Happy That!

*I am not a medical professional, so check with one. Don't believe everything you see on the Internet.

IOGKF Perú Entrenamiento especial

Tomorrow I will train with Goju Ryu friends in Peru and beyond thanks to a generous invitation to show up and do what I can. My Sensei offers me the same generous invitation to class each week.

Peter set me up in his office with a tv, pc, sound bar so it's super loud; a non-slip mat, and a fan. My wheelchair is right outside the door if I need to switch, or I can rest and watch.

I'm emotional about this. Friends I haven't seen in six years haven't forgotten me. I might cry. 

I'm bad at math. Peru is only 1 hour earlier than EST. If I'm right Peru starts at 9am and I start at 8am. And if I'm early, we can do juunbi undo!

But mostly, I will cry. I've lost a lot of function since 2014. So I will play when I can and then I will adapt when I must! My Sensei has helped me grow.

Goju Ryu karate training is very strict. We take deep care in making sure we understand what is being said to us because it can devastate a person if you do the wrong thing.

We all value Higaonna-Sensei and wish him the very best, naturally. What's harder is continuing to organize ways to carry his message into the future with one unified and timeless voice. We will become his voice someday when he goes where we all go, so until then we can continue working to build voices in ourselves that we should choose to share with Higaonna-Sensei and expect he will feel that it is okay for him to rest.

Tomorrow is my first Spanish-language karate class. I am super excited! I'm sure my recognition has become weak, but they still day the moves in Japanese. I'll be okay!

My Sensei told me to go ahead and that tells me there is nothing that can take me down here. I have much to learn and must stay humble.

I am enchanted by Kokubo-Sensei because he's the first person I ever met who was Japanese, speaking Spanish! He also speaks English. Because I am as polyglot he is very fun and exciting to see.

Onegaishimasu.

Zooming In On My Progress

Online learning is getting to me. In karate tonight over Zoom I tried Sepai kata for the first time. I miss my dojo. It'll be interesting to see how my body tolerates karate with no port and overall reduced activity after the pandemic ends. I look forward to building back up because looking back won't do me any good.

I've been in physiotherapy for a year and a half now since sepsis ended. I've been out of the dojo since before the pandemic hit the United States, where I live.

Learning karate online has been a lot of fun because it's different and I get different things out of it. I can turn the volume way up on my Sensei's voice, for instance, whereas in the dojo I'm almost totally deaf. Learning online I can write notes down and scribble out my questions and their answers. I can rest, add a fan, hydrate, and manage blackouts more easily. The cats are distracting but that's only because I want them to meet my dojo family.

It's frightening that my body has deconditioned in so many ways because of sepsis. My muscle memory is carrying me further than my actual memory in some cases, and in other cases I'm choked up from drawing a blank.

My Sensei is extremely generous with my schedule and my abilities. He has things he wants for me and I have things I want for myself. At the end of the day we're glad to be alive and we have faith that this is the foundation for anything else we can imagine to come true. :)

Sepai, though, which is thought of as the oldest kata, has a lot of moves in it that are new to me. It looks like Sepai bunkai might be easier to perform than the kata itself (at least, kihon bunkai).

I'm frustrated most moments of the day with the pain, which is a lot worse, a lot sooner. Pain control in the U.S. is a strange racket. With Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome it is unrealistic to expect that one may ever be completely out of pain. But it is realistic to expect that I can learn to defend myself. I don't need every kata to be lovely. I don't need every bunkai to work. I need to practice and ingrain a few solid techniques that will work for me in different situations against different types of people. I choose to see my life as worth defending. There are many people in my life I wish saw themselves that way, but I can only control myself and invite others to join me in the adventure, in the work. And boy, is it work.

Eventually, everyone gets seasoned at working toward or fighting for something, so long as we do not give up and check out. And even that is another type of fight altogether worth besting.

Saifa Kata and the Clavicle Strikes

I'm relearning to perform Saifa kata at full speed and power without dislocating my clavicles. It's funny that one of the Saifa bunkai is a clavicle, too.

PT and I think it was fine when my port was anchored to my chest but now that it's out and there are all these pockets cut into the muscles they aren't holding my clavicles in place anymore. It's not supposed to be the muscles' job to stabilize the clavicles, but in lieu of connective tissue to do the job, the muscles aren't really capable of doing both while also full of pockets. So, strengthening and toning. It'll sort out. Saifa was my best kata for a while so I'm eager to get it back as best I can.