Monday, September 27, 2021

On Karate, Pants, and the Flow of Teachable Interventions

"Pull your pants up!" I heard from my spot in line behind the teen who received this poorly decided advisement from the man taking tickets to the reptile show. The man's voice was loud and his tone was nasty. Immediately the teen complied--until he was through the door, at which point his pants dropped right back down to where they were. Then it was my turn. "Fucking prick!" the man yelled, "he pulled his pants back down again as soon as he was in the door!"

"And that's the way to handle that?" I asked the man. I was not yet through the door and the man to whom I'd handed my ticket was allowed to close it. 

But I'd paid for a ticket and nothing about my encounter with this unhappy man was going to prevent me from getting through the door, if I could just keep my temper in check.

"Well he's being disrespectful!"

"I understand that that's how you feel, and I am asking you whether telling and swearing at a child in front of other paying patrons is the way to handle that."

He did not answer. He had shouted at a teenager to make the teenager feel guilty and embarrassed, and his shouting didn't work. But what it did do was embarrass him when somebody called him out on it.

The last thing I want is for people to dread talking to me. It is never my intention to embarrass, even to teach somebody what it feels like. I had to do it once to help a young teen understand what his behaviour looked like and how it affected his mother. I screamed like any number of people used to scream at me when I was  getting a beating as a child. As I was growing up other adults would watch or go on about their days as though my cries (and subsequent blows for having cried) were radio static and nobody was to touch the radio dial. I never begged them to step in because I knew nobody would. Later I learned that the silence of not seeking help or comfort has to do with attachment to a caregiver who is supposed to protect you and does not.

The day I had become the one yelling at a young teen I had spent the rest of that evening debriefing with other children in the house, one by one, to make sure they understood why I had done it, reminding them that I love them all, and that instead of ever talking to someone that way they should go to an adult they trust to discuss what happened and what they might like to do about it--even when they become adults themselves. What had he done? He had been irritable and lashing out for most of the day, but then swore at his mother, which I would not tolerate.

During the reptile show I stayed out of the ticket man's way by changing direction if I saw him in my path. He was much older and I had wholly embarrassed him on several levels. I think it hurt his dignity that some female with a cane took him down a peg, and in such a way that any further raging would clearly be more of him embarrassing himself. After challenging somebody you don't further harangue them with your presence while they lick their wounds. If anything, you go back and render aid. I had deeply wanted to follow up, but I was there to have fun and I had made my point.

I did not further engage the man because I had challenged a belief about how to behave when feeling disrespected and he instantly recoiled. I did not unpack different reasons he might feel disrespected, or bring up public or political events that are linked to disrespect as a buzz word. I did not attack him personally, make assumptions about his values, call a supervisor, leave the event, raise my voice, or ignore an indignity that could have been prevented. And boy, was it hard. 

My two primary goals of Goju Ryu are to end an altercation as quickly as possible and to be a better person than you I was yesterday.

If I had had more time to deconstruct the situation in the moment I would have followed the young teen to talk about it and to discuss how he made his decision to appease the ticket man, but only until out of sight. 

Was the teen's behaviour indeed disrespectful? Maybe. He had been yelled at and embarrassed in front of a crowd. A young male, he was compliant with the request. But no one else's waistlines were checked. No skirts are checked by the antiquated practice of ensuring that skirts were no shorter than 3" below where the middle finger falls when hands are at the side.

Regardless of how much I did and how I did it, what I did do was my best at the time. As a participant who invited themselves into the exchange I'm here in my blog, reviewing my own behaviour, to decide what I might have done differently, if anything. I will not be a safe person to be inhumane around. But I am also still honing my skills at leading and teaching. Teaching is messy work and so is learning.

To be a good teacher you have to be clear about your objective. My objective was to  intervene and remedy without causing further harm to what I saw as an injustice. My motivation is to never stand by and allow a person to suffer the way I did. 

Activism, to the activist, is hugely trauma and compassion work. It's about not tolerating what we see in front of us when what we see is harmful to others. Some of us don't want people to suffer like we did. Some of us didn't suffer and understand the benefits of limiting the suffering of another being.

Note: In this article I did not mention the race of either participant. If you have ideas about what their races might have been, this is a great moment, right now, to think about what background ideas behind your assumptions may be inaccurate or even misleading. You might wish to discuss them with someone you trust. Right now. Put words on it. 

Gassho.

Sunday, January 31, 2021

What's Making An Ask?

Ask for what you need; the point of this world is to share what we have when we already have more than enough.

When you make an ask, you give others a chance to take something they maybe didn't even know they were ready to give. You are a catalyst for helping them move on to something new with their space. New and fresh decisions come so much more easily when charged with new hope for what has been given up to make that space. It makes space in the giver's mind for the work of dreaming.

When you make an ask, you offer a continuation for something they have loved, something they've cared for--and they didn't even know that good thing was on its way to find them.

So who is really the giver here? Both. That, to me, is humility. It's a relationship, not a factor singularly controlled by one side of a connection or the other. It's what gives beauty to balance, otherwise balance is just a pause before the next thing happens.

Karate was born in Naha (Okinawa). Please think about that with me. They weren't a series of small, isolated groups that rebranded their fancy exercise program. They were neighbours, and they were a small and united people, on an island, and they were surviving. In a way, that's the whole world. So if I have something I can give, please ask me. Do me the favour.

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

On Static vs. Dynamic Exercises and Stretching*

"If you can't explain it you don't know it well enough." -Einstein


It's been three years since my last belt test. I tested for 1-kyu in Goju Ryu Karate on November 11, 2020, via Zoom online. My tests are adapted to suit what I can physically do, which is largely kata (forms) and solo kihon bunkai (basic applications). I also need to understand what others can do with the system, and I need to be able to adapt what I can't do in such a way that it would work in the street. This was set from Day One with my Sensei in a meeting that lasted for four hours while we sussed out what my training was going to look like. That was about nine years ago. That's a long time to be a kyu-level belt (non-black). But some people never get this far.

The notes below are a summary of what I've learned about muscles locking up intensely and painfully. My port and daily IV fluids must have been preventing these problems for years. I'm grateful for seven years with my port, it's unprecedented. My medical team is incredible and the value of a supportive Primary Care Physician cannot be understated. For over two years I've been in Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy, among other rehabilitative efforts. I've also beaten the grave four times, retired, started a small business, bought a new-to-me mustang (I love mustangs, it's like getting a limb back), while also living through the pandemic and attending karate to the fullest, safest extent possible. (That's another story worth telling and this little note is to remind myself!) None of this is medical advice and don't trust everything you read on the Internet. I haven't even run this by my PTs yet.

The Ehlers-Danlos community has already benefited from my Sensei's leadership by observing and trying these methods. My Sensei has also been actively outspoken beside me, and others, teaching people with all sorts of abilities that martial arts is for everyone, that our school welcomes everyone. He's helped lots of us unpack negative experiences with instructors who pushed EDSers to the point of injury or quitting. 

Indomitable acceptance in the dojo is founded in the school's Christian values, and people of all backgrounds are welcome. If I were Jesus that's what I'd want to see. Anyway, on with the science notes: 

On Static vs. Dynamic Exercises and Stretching*

  • Given
    • When the muscle must contract it's happy to do its job, even if that job is a little tougher because of instability.
    • When the muscle must relax, those fibres have no idea where to stop because tendons aren't stabilizing or providing usable feedback. So, the muscle is inclined to remain contracted: "Any time now, tendons.... Guys?"
  • Interventions: milieu approach, e.g.,
    • Isometrics give the muscles a chance to practice both strength (muscle's ability to contract)
    • Short, sustained reps for tone (muscle's ability to remain contracted), and 
    • ...also releasing and relaxing in between reps (except they suck at relaxing).
    • Manual therapies aid in the physical release of muscle fibres which can only relax passively.
    • Pharmacology aids in the chemical release of muscle fibres, which are chemically gated by extraneous sympathetic activity, hormones, diet, exercise, psychology, family hx, etc.
  • Things I couldn't fit elsewhere
    • Timing - time of day/month; interventions before/after activity; last meds, food, hydration, electrolytes
    • Psych - last boost of oxytocin or dopamine; last interpersonal reaction; psychological flexibility; emotional regulation; cats?
    • Environment - weather; climate; physical safety risks; fall risks
    • Adaptive equipment - tapes; braces; splints; mobility aids, environmental mods
    • Support - care team; community members; friends; family, and access to them all
    • Misc - what else is hurting (and what isn't!); energy levels; cognition; quality of above factors
    • If a muscle group isn't working right, check the opposing muscle groups.
  • Ongoing "learning opportunities" (that aren't necessarily functional goals, but are more qualitative)
    • Emotional endurance when things look bleak for a long time
    • When I get sick, any of this knowledge that isn't rote goes out the window.
    • Prevention and managing crashes (exhaustion, injury)
    • I forgot how to know when a muscle is fatigued vs. exhausted, and when that's a useful vs. hazardous.
    • WTF, diet/guts?
    • Consistent exercise program
    • Managing kinesiophobia and coping without a port like a freakin' boss
    • WTF, mind/body connection?
    • Communicating with providers succinctly ;)
  • Things to remember
    • "If you can't explain it you don't know it well enough." -Einstein
    • I didn't come this far just to make it this far
    • I must rest when my rampage is over
    • Didn't cause it, can't cure it, might bitch about it, can endure it.
    • Nourish to flourish
    • Take your meds. Your doctors know they're not prescribing Jolly Ranchers. (that's mine!) :)
    • Sometimes to let it heal you have to stop fuckin' with it. (also mine) :)

Be well. Whatever you celebrate, Happy That!
*I am not a medical professional, so check with one. Don't believe everything you see on the Internet.



Saturday, September 19, 2020

IOGKF PerĂº Entrenamiento especial

Tomorrow I will train with Goju Ryu friends in Peru and beyond thanks to a generous invitation to show up and do what I can. My Sensei offers me the same generous invitation to class each week.

Peter set me up in his office with a tv, pc, sound bar so it's super loud; a non-slip mat, and a fan. My wheelchair is right outside the door if I need to switch, or I can rest and watch.

I'm emotional about this. Friends I haven't seen in six years haven't forgotten me. I might cry. 

I'm bad at math. Peru is only 1 hour earlier than EST. If I'm right Peru starts at 9am and I start at 8am. And if I'm early, we can do juunbi undo!

But mostly, I will cry. I've lost a lot of function since 2014. So I will play when I can and then I will adapt when I must! My Sensei has helped me grow.

Goju Ryu karate training is very strict. We take deep care in making sure we understand what is being said to us because it can devastate a person if you do the wrong thing.

We all value Higaonna-Sensei and wish him the very best, naturally. What's harder is continuing to organize ways to carry his message into the future with one unified and timeless voice. We will become his voice someday when he goes where we all go, so until then we can continue working to build voices in ourselves that we should choose to share with Higaonna-Sensei and expect he will feel that it is okay for him to rest.

Tomorrow is my first Spanish-language karate class. I am super excited! I'm sure my recognition has become weak, but they still day the moves in Japanese. I'll be okay!

My Sensei told me to go ahead and that tells me there is nothing that can take me down here. I have much to learn and must stay humble.

I am enchanted by Kokubo-Sensei because he's the first person I ever met who was Japanese, speaking Spanish! He also speaks English. Because I am as polyglot he is very fun and exciting to see.

Onegaishimasu.

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

Zooming In On My Progress

Online learning is getting to me. In karate tonight over Zoom I tried Sepai kata for the first time. I miss my dojo. It'll be interesting to see how my body tolerates karate with no port and overall reduced activity after the pandemic ends. I look forward to building back up because looking back won't do me any good.

I've been in physiotherapy for a year and a half now since sepsis ended. I've been out of the dojo since before the pandemic hit the United States, where I live.

Learning karate online has been a lot of fun because it's different and I get different things out of it. I can turn the volume way up on my Sensei's voice, for instance, whereas in the dojo I'm almost totally deaf. Learning online I can write notes down and scribble out my questions and their answers. I can rest, add a fan, hydrate, and manage blackouts more easily. The cats are distracting but that's only because I want them to meet my dojo family.

It's frightening that my body has deconditioned in so many ways because of sepsis. My muscle memory is carrying me further than my actual memory in some cases, and in other cases I'm choked up from drawing a blank.

My Sensei is extremely generous with my schedule and my abilities. He has things he wants for me and I have things I want for myself. At the end of the day we're glad to be alive and we have faith that this is the foundation for anything else we can imagine to come true. :)

Sepai, though, which is thought of as the oldest kata, has a lot of moves in it that are new to me. It looks like Sepai bunkai might be easier to perform than the kata itself (at least, kihon bunkai).

I'm frustrated most moments of the day with the pain, which is a lot worse, a lot sooner. Pain control in the U.S. is a strange racket. With Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome it is unrealistic to expect that one may ever be completely out of pain. But it is realistic to expect that I can learn to defend myself. I don't need every kata to be lovely. I don't need every bunkai to work. I need to practice and ingrain a few solid techniques that will work for me in different situations against different types of people. I choose to see my life as worth defending. There are many people in my life I wish saw themselves that way, but I can only control myself and invite others to join me in the adventure, in the work. And boy, is it work.

Eventually, everyone gets seasoned at working toward or fighting for something, so long as we do not give up and check out. And even that is another type of fight altogether worth besting.

Sunday, August 9, 2020

Saifa Kata and the Clavicle Strikes

I'm relearning to perform Saifa kata at full speed and power without dislocating my clavicles. It's funny that one of the Saifa bunkai is a clavicle, too.

PT and I think it was fine when my port was anchored to my chest but now that it's out and there are all these pockets cut into the muscles they aren't holding my clavicles in place anymore. It's not supposed to be the muscles' job to stabilize the clavicles, but in lieu of connective tissue to do the job, the muscles aren't really capable of doing both while also full of pockets. So, strengthening and toning. It'll sort out. Saifa was my best kata for a while so I'm eager to get it back as best I can.

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

In Defense of Self

Karate is about self-defense. Period. It's not a sport.

I've convinced myself that the grief process for how far I've slid in the past two years won't be as severe, so long as I can keep on partying with aggressive dance moves in my funny pajamas. For most of the last ten days I've had intractable pain. I can't wait to get back to karate in any possible way besides reviewing in my head. I need to believe I'll get back to it because without my port I've been at a tremendous loss. Karate is a huge part of me that I haven't lost, and I don't intend to.

Retirement due to disability isn't like voluntary retirement at retirement age. For one thing it's guaranteed poverty. It's means-testing for every bit of support. It's nursing and medical re-evals a dozen times a year just to make sure you're really not going to improve. Same questions over and over. Same paperwork. Same signatures, scheduling, hours and hours of life spent on enough  paperwork to make you ask yourself, "can I really not work if I can do all this paperwork?" But then the symptoms stack up, everything you swear you've washed still smells like puke to you, the mail says you're overdue for more medical exams, your best splints won't close over the cat fur in their Velcro, and it's hard to tell what day it is because you can't remember the last time your sleep schedule was diurnal. That's on top of actually staying alive and uninjured, splinted appropriately, meds, physiotherapy, occupational therapy, medical appointments, paperwork for those, blood work, pharmacies, insurance, prescriptions, bills, diagnostic imaging, durable medical equipment, residential mods, vehicle mods....

Suffice to say, I'm having a hard time.

When I'm at karate that falls away for a while. I'm enchanted by the physiology, the safety, the methodology. My Sensei delivers this balance of humour and heft that level off the risk of death or permanent injury similar to the risks I live with day in and day out. Things slow down and I'm not thinking about how close I am to a joint dislocation. I'm just doing one thing at a time and when something pops out I put it back in. Easy peasy.

There's no paperwork, no evaluation. Nobody is going to check to see how functional I am. They're just other people on the floor on their own journeys, and we're just doing the same thing together for a time. We're all pushing our own limits. There's no competition, only partnership. There are no cliques, only karate family. We're a tight-knit dojo and your body or intellectual ability does not limit you in our school. We are inclusive and I am included.

In my school I don't feel invisible. When I can't be on the floor I have extra projects to participate, in character development or in projects that help our school grow. I get to do really cool things with every language I know, with technology, building, and crafting. There's never a break in growth and strengthening, and that's what makes karate invaluable.

Karate is about self-defense. You have to believe in your life and develop a life that's worth defending. You have to build a self to defend. I've lost a tremendous lot of my self in my retirement. Karate is as good a mode as any to get that back or grow a new sense of self. So you see, I'm eager to get back.