Life Off the Vent

This story meanders a bit, stay with me. I'll try to give trail heads. 

Assault:

I get hit on. A lot. It's always been this way. Last week I got hit on twice in the same day, the first time the guy followed me on my walk home from physical therapy. He would have overpowered me, even with my knife. I got away by taking his number and texting him. It was hours of receiving pictures I did not ask for and being told all sorts of things intended to lure me. I got lured in and raped that way on a military base at 19, and sexually assaulted in similar fashion a few years ago, which the police, courts, and crisis centers made so much worse. This time, I used the tactic to my advantage.

❌ Fight

❌ Flight

❌ Freeze

✅ Fawn

Surgery:

When you go under the knife for a surgery there's a time in post-op where you are taken off the vent and woken up. Even though my vitals say I'm at 100% Sp02 it always feels for a few hours like I can't fill my lungs no matter how hard I try. It's like they are sticky, they won't expand and I can't get to them. But that first conscious breath coming off the vent is a doozy, and that's what I felt last weekend in my spirit.

My karate origin story:

Over a decade ago, a Sensei from Isshin Ryu in my home state let me participate in a women's self defense training at his dojo to see if I could even physically manage using my body for self-defense. Clearly, he already knew the 'if' answer was yes, and the core process was to determine the 'how'. When that day ended I was hooked and it started me off on a journey in Goju Ryu in the state where I lived, which changed how I lived, forever. 

Medical:

When I could no longer stay conscious on my own an Bard IV PowerPort gave me seven terrific years of additional freedom to continue earning a living, living independently, and it unlocked in me the ability to really exercise for the first time in my life. Then I got sepsis. Thrice. It set off a cascade of devastating losses in my life, one of which was karate. I lost my career, my health, many relationships, my freedom, and so much more. 

For the past six years I have been hanging out and coping, trying to find what to do with myself while I wait for death. I have worked on a million projects with no sense of meaning or direction, just passing the time as best I can until I don't have to fight and suffer anymore. This is not a good way to live.

Assault - new response:

After I was followed last week I collapsed for a few days, and didn't know what to do. I cancelled plans, ignored my phone, and let myself sit with the fear and humiliation I went through to get myself away safely. Given my rough history, I had all sorts of helpless feelings of being trapped and tired of fighting just to exist until death. I took all that to a therapist to discuss it and get my head level, back in the present moment. Then I contacted the Sensei who gave me my start in my home state. Again undeterred, he invited me to a knife training class as a refresher. 

For years I hadn't been on the mat, most of my final classes were online during the pandemic. I've had a massive weight change, so my gi no longer fit properly. Sensei removed that barrier by explaining that in knife class they train with black pants and white T-shirts. No problem, I have one of each! And the dojo has gi in my new size, though my obi is far too long now.

Waking up:

Back on the mat I knew exactly what the Sensei of that class needed to know and how to adapt, because I've been welcomed to participate at this dojo when I've been in town over the years. They are a welcoming and considerate culture of martial artists, integrated from lots of different styles. It's their culture to honour diversity.

When I saw how naturally it came back to me I had to do something about it. I spent an hour journaling right after I stepped off the mat. Sensei sat and reviewed it all with me, which took an hour. When I started in Goju Ryu I had had a similar talk with my Sensei there, so I knew this was essential, appropriate, and generous.

Sensei invited me to try for a month, sold me an affordable new gi in my new size, and off I went. I wish I could remember how he'd said it, but he advised me to wear my white gi with my 1-kyu obi. The white gi would show that I'm new to Isshin Ryu. The 1-kyu obi would show that I'm coming from another style where my rank is higher, so that Sensei and Senpai could set their expectations appropriately to my skill level. I felt such a life and dignity when I was told to wear my obi, it's an honour to have achieved what I have in Goju Ryu, which I owe 100% to my Goju Ryu dojo and to Higaonna Morio-Sensei, plus fellow practitioners the world around. When I wear my 1-kyu obi, they are all with me. There is no brown-black obi in Isshin Ryu so it's clear that I'm coming from a foreign style with no risk of confusion. My obi was earned and it's really mine, so I am extremely proud and humbled by the invitation to wear it. I feel safe in it.

My first class of Isshin Ryu was fantastic. I learned a lot, remembered even more, enjoyed my muscle memory, and got my brain into the mindset of taking in new guidance with humility. My body kept up because I knew better than I'd realized how to pace myself and communicate my needs. I left there feeling alive for the first time in over a half-decade. 

It's now three days later and I'm still on the couch recovering from the exhaustion and managing pain, but I earned this. It's not a wasting away from an unused body; it's a triumphant call to rest and recover from an awakening. It will take months to years just to get my body on track again to whatever its new normal will be without hydration and with other novel, severe diagnoses. But it's life, and it is not waiting for death. I am not waiting for death when I am doing the karate that has been so much of my life and identity for so long.

While it's disgusting that my return to the mat comes from a bastard loser making me fear for my life and safety, I have long-since developed a trajectory, goals, and methods for myself to survive this kind of nonsense. When I got out a paper and pen they were all there for me.

Higaonna Morio-Sensei started a new global federation at age 84. I am starting over again, too. My flabbers are ghasted. I'm back here on earth, just waking up to build my new empire. I must stay brave, and that will be the challenge going forward, but as for today, I celebrate.

Onegaishimasu.