Back In Action!

Since I started karate in 2012 this month is the longest I've gone without attending class. The meds have been too heavy and I have been too sedated to do anything satisfying, let alone the most satisfying thing in my world. I've kept up with my studies, practiced my kata, and made every effort to navigate the medical mess of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.

It's been seven years since I began refluxing everything that I ate or drank. I'll spare the details, but it's been a long road. I'm finally getting some answers, or at least a working diagnosis, which is better than having them throw handfuls of pills at me in ill-conceived, but well-intended, attempts at controlling the emesis.

When I read my own descriptions of what I'm going through this sound awfully severe. I've learned to get through it without really noticing, which probably makes it more tolerable. However, in karate we are challenged to face what is hard for us and to gain control of the situation. On some level, it is important that I stay aware and reflect on how my body is changing so that I may take good care of it.Tonight was the first night I got back to the dojo! It was very exciting, I get like a little kid! Karate is the thing to which I most look forward, and some people don't look forward to anything as much as I look forward to karate. I let myself appreciate it with every possible ounce of joy that I am capable of feeling.

My goal tonight was to get through warm-ups. Strategically, I had plans to manage my participation by restricting it to half of what I was asked to do. Imagine my delight when I figured out that a month off from karate has given several joints time to heal, increasing my performance! I did rest, but I also pushed myself. I feel great about it!

It's hard to know when to push and when to rest. There are so many benefits to be gained from both, and just enough danger in too much of either to keep me circumspect. This was a constant problem in physiotherapy. At some point my physiotherapist intimated that she had stopped trying to guess what was wrong, and jumped straight into helping me recover. That little bit of information has been quite useful, in that, I am finally using less brainpower to find the source of problems, and allocating that headspace to resolve, recover, and adapt.

One might consider me a highly sensitive person. As such, it can be so overwhelming go through my body's changes that I somehow detach from having feelings about it, just so I can get through it. That may not be a bad thing, because much of it is a sense of loss about which I can do nothing but grieve. Maybe grief will be useful later, but I don't see it helping me right now. Hopefully it won't creep up on me!

90 Days Sick

Another night sick as a dog. Back to fully dehydrated despite fluids. I reviewed some kata in my head but I'm too tired to think clearly. I'm determined to be strong, the enemy isn't going to ask if I'm feeling up to a fight.

I've been intensely sick for 90 days as of today. I spent the last week in March in the hospital and have been struggling desperately to recover.  I've had a gauntlet of the most gross medical tests I can imagine having done, and have more to go, before I get any answers. Until then I'm on a rainbow of pro-motility agents that work on my guts like your friendly neighborhood jackhammer.

Gastroparesis is the working diagnosis but my emptying study turned out negative. The radioactive eggs weren't all bad, but it was the least disgusting of all the tests, with this Friday bring the grand finale of gross.

I'm afraid to eat because my guts are like tubes full of grenades. I'm afraid not to eat because no food means no energy. Every few days I eat full meals and get so sick that I end up dehydrated and exhausted. And doubled over in pain.

My couch and I are very close these days. I haven't seen the dojo in over a week and my toddler mind is afraid it won't be there when I get back.

In my mind I'm going over kata, but I'm really so tired...so tired.

The enemy is not going to ask if I'm tired. I need to keep fighting. It's in my blood.