"Watch and Learn" is a Thing

"Watch and Learn" is a thing; I'm a hypocrite if I could do that thing, but then don't.

If you have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and practice Goju Ryu karate, you'll need to practice adapting. I am a star at adapting, with plenty of life experience. What you do on the floor has to work in the street or it's of no use. Observing gives me an opportunity to watch and think about adaptations without trying to stay conscious and upright.   

For both Monday's and today's appointments I did not get medically cleared by my physiotherapists to attend the once-in-a-lifetime Gasshuku (special karate group training) this weekend. The Gasshuku is with 8th Dan Paul Enfield, and it was the right call: my sacrum won't unlock. If I try to use my lower back I'll be very sorry for it later on. Throwing punches without full access to my hips is causing my clavicles and shoulders to sublux. Kicking with a fibula that won't stay in place unless it's taped, or suri-ashi (body shifting) with an ankle that won't stay in place, is not a good idea. All this, right after finally figuring out a way to reduce the blacking out from Dysautonomia. Any one of those things would be reason enough for any rational human being to sit the heck down.

But this is Paul Enfield, the man who brought all four volumes of Higaonna-Sensei's work to document Goju Ryu karate to the English speaking world. Sensei told me to come and observe, and usually I would be able to do that, and happily. PT suggested the same. But I'm deaf in the dojo, so it would be complicated and stepping into the dojo is already so emotionally charged that I can't imagine being isolated in two ways (movement; hearing). That's an error of thinking, though; I am never separated even when I'm just observing because my dojo family goes out of its way to make sure everyone on the floor is included.

I dread sitting out because I put everything I have into physical therapy to get back to karate. It feels like I'll never be done rehabbing, and it's true that I'll never be done with rehab. PT is a permanent aspect of life with EDS. But rehab without karate feels like I'm fighting just to live, and my quality of life feels pretty low since the third bout of sepsis.  I also miss my port and the freedom to roam whenever and wherever I want to go.

It's hard on the psyche to go to the dojo and not physically participate. Sometimes I have to step out to cry, which is fine, but tends to make others worry. "It's just hard," I tell them. And it is. The pain of knowing my body will work against me if I try to use it is agonizing in itself. It's arguably worse than the physical pain, but because the physical pain affects my overall functional level (like being able to use the bathroom), I have to respect the pecking order of matter over mind. 

It won't be forever. Sensei assured me that there will be plenty more Gasshukus. But my heart is in the dojo and I want to be doing karate. No matter how much I read or review while I'm physically rehabbing, it's no replacement for live practice. Not being able to practice also has a detrimental effect on how much I can learn through studying, too.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm upset when I don't need to be, and if I want to be a hypocrite I should stay home and not find ways to adapt what I'm seeing. And yet, I feel pretty rotten. But even when you feel rotten, you should go to karate.

Oh My Gasshuku!

Susquehanna Martial Arts Symposium 2015 was wonderful, an irreversible, transformative weekend for me as a disabilities advocate and as a martial artist. I am so, so grateful. I've also had a great deal of much needed fun!

Arrangements were made so I could stay in the dorm with a most gracious hostess of the same rank. Bring able to stay on campus at Susquehanna University where the event was held made it as easy as it could be.

I brought 10 syringes for med injections and not one of them was a Luer Lock, so I couldn't screw them onto my port cap to inject meds.  In the future that's got to be my #1 priority.

I had some conversations this weekend about developing as a martial artist with multiple disabilities. I learned the following: I'm not taking it seriously enough; one cannot take it seriously enough; I take most things too seriously. My point: this is going to be an even bigger process than I thought. However, IOGKF is disability-friendly, and many even seem interested in learning how far the style can go to be adapted to everybody's needs regardless of ability.

My Sensei has taught me so well that I was able to keep up, relax, and enjoy myself. That's a very big deal. I keep finding myself wanting to look over and say, "Did you see that, Sensei?" he probably did, but he doesn't have to, because he knows. That's awesome.

The week prior to the event I was in the hospital with gastroparesis and a blood pressure of 66/40.  To put it in perspective, when you hit 70/50 Hospice starts making arrangements to keep you comfortable on your way to wherever we all go.  But I'd waited for this event!  My heart was in it, and so many people have put effort into helping me grow that I thought, if I'm going to fight like hell in the hospital, I'm going to celebrate the life I'm working so hard to live!  So I went.  I schlepped my wheelchair, crutches, braces, splints, creams, meds, potions, lotions, emergency paperwork, IV fluids, stabbin' supplies, and an indefatigable attitude.

It's important not to think of myself as less-than, or as a pain in the neck, for being sick, and wanting to live a full life.  That's not my best asset because of the way I grew up.  The night before the event I asked Sensei, "Are you sure it's okay for me to attend this weekend?"  With a gently irritated, measured tone, Sensei asked, "Why would it not be okay for you to go this weekend?"  I didn't go any further with how I worry about ruining someone's day if I get hurt; or about how disappointed I'd be in myself if I got all the way there and then was too tired or weak to participate; pr how badly I would feel if I interrupted the entire training by dislocating a joint and crying out, freaking everyone out, etc. (that last one happened).

Instead, I took his tone to explain that if I want to get anywhere, I cannot be apologetic for my challenges.  I can be modest, grateful, and realistic, but not ashamed.  It's a terrible and crucial lesson for all of us to learn, regardless of ability.

The best feedback I received was about the use of my wheelchair during training.  I stand in front so I can read the instructors' lips, and that makes me very nervous.  I'm used to being in front to hear, no problem.  But in karate, rank and file trump most other things.  I didn't want my wheelchair in the way if I wasn't in it because I was in the front and already out of order.  The last thing I wanted was for every surrounding black belt to have to dance around it.  It was suggested that, by having my wheelchair off to the side, I made more of a disturbance, because I had to walk into and out of the training space to get seated or get up.  Particularly frustrating was my extra long IV tubing, which often got caught in my wheels.  I was afraid the entire time that I'd nick the line, not know it, and leak IV fluid and blood all over the floor.  Nevermind the fear of exsanguinating with an already-low blood pressure.  There's always at least one medical professional on the floor at gasshuku, which is a big relief, even though they're off the clock.

All this, just to practice karate.

Thanks to everyone who helped me get through the weekend and maximize my learning, I came home with two whopping pages of notes!  I'm a succinct notetaker, so that's a lot of notes.  I've added it to my arsenal of information and it's a trophy in its own way!

Recently, I learned that, in addition to my ossiculoplasty (ear bone implant), my tympanoplasty (ear drum graft) has also officially failed.  The ossiculoplasty has slid out of place and the graft has dried and shriveled up.  That explains the Cognitive Auditory Processing Disorder, which is making it harder and harder to hear.  At this event, I introduced myself as "deaf" instead of "hard of hearing." 

I've spent my whole life trying to maximize the hearing part of my existence, again because of the way I grew up.  But there are perfectly good adaptations in place that support the deaf part of me!  I've moonlighted since my teens to learn sign language, learn to lipread, learn to listen to tones and interpret phonics at jet-engine speeds.  I sign lowly into my lap or into my hip to compensate for my loss of auditory memory, just little notes to myself.

Saying, "I'm deaf" gets me the exact results I need: People face me, they enunciate, slow down, and thanks be to God, they don't scream!  They just keep their heads steady and speak with measured intonation.  I'm at least half-deaf, more like 65%.  So, I think it's fine to use the word.  Deaf (capital-D Deaf) people tend to use ASL as their first language, and interact primarily with other Deaf people on a daily basis.  Most of my own world is hearing, which makes it complicated.  It appears that "hard of hearing" (HoH) does mean to hearing people what it means to HoH people.  Needless to say, being confident enough to say, "I'm deaf" makes the whole process of communication easier for everybody!  I wish I'd known sooner!

A good benefit of having people understand that I can't hear them is that they sometimes stop speaking altogether.  When learning a new technique I cannot focus on the audio and visual at the same time.  Doing it silently, then talking about it, helps immensely!  Back at my dojo, the Sensei have taken to saying, "Now watch me," which cues me to turn and get to where I can see the demo or lipread.  It's amped up my progress considerably.  I have far less fear about not hearing being deaf than I had a year ago, which is the most transformative bit, among so many others, from Susquehanna Gasshuku 2015.

Many thanks to everyone who put time and effort into helping me have a wonderful time!  Arigatou gozaimashita.  I will continue to study everything I have learned about myself and about karate, with great respect and gratitude.

Today would have been my Papa's zillionth birthday.  He would have liked the idea of me learning karate.  Tandi manu diu li benedici, Papa.  Many hands, God bless them.

Gasshuku - MCF 2014 Karateka Kodomo (Karate Kids)

In small group training I had the pleasure of working with a young lady from Oklahoma.  She's already tough as nails, she is going to be someone very important someday, I can see leadership and patience in her.  She is like a cherry blossom, and when she blooms she's going to be so green and so strong that she will give shade and beauty to the world around her for as long as she is in it.

By the recommendation of my wonderful partner, we moved toward the back of our small group and worked on Bunkai with two other young karateka, a brother and sister who love one another enough to even stick with one another when they have an opportunity to work with karateka from all over the hemisphere.  These siblings have a sweetness to them, a camaraderie where one will not move without bringing the other along.  They have a lot of love and a strong mother, so they will move up, and bring one another along for the adventure.  This is as it should be, and to have had a few moments practice with them fills me with satisfaction because I shall have been a part of that story.

My partner and I split up the siblings so we could help them improve their skills.  The younger one, a boy, was very gentle with me.  I asked him why, and he said, "I don't like to hit people.  I don't want to hurt anybody.  I would feel really bad if I hurt somebody."  It was a moment where I had to decide whether to roll with it, or to try to guide him.  This is someone else's child, with their own way of raising him.  They are trusting other karateka to be good senpai for their children.  So I said, "You know, that's a great attitude to have, that's exactly as it should be.  But when you're working with a partner, you're going to be careful, but you will be teaching your partner what it feels like to get hit, and to be brave, and to respond well, so that they will be able to protect themselves if they come upon someone who is not as friendly or as caring as you are."  I don't know if that made sense to him, but it seemed like the right thing to say. At dinner I got to sit with that family, and I should like to know them forever because they are fantastic people.

It was a genuine pleasure having the privilege of working with IOGKF kodomo. My goodness, what hope I have seen in the youth this weekend!

Gasshuku - MCF 2014 Part 2

When I met Nakamura-Sensei for the first time I had just begun karate a week prior. A year and a half later I have just had the privilege of training under his watch. I learn a lot because he speaks clearly and precisely.

I skipped juunbi undo and went swimming. I came in for small groups with Sensei Villa and stayed for the seminars. My Sensei worked with me! That was a treasure because he is too busy running a school to work with me at home. We have similar backgrounds which makes it easy to trust him and to stay focused. Time of my life. TIME. OF. MY. LIFE.

I have made an enormous count of new friends this weekend and I couldn't be happier for that. There is nothing more satisfying than hearing, "you've inspired me" spoken in tender humility, or "you motivate me!" hollered down the hallway while I'm laying on the floor with my feet up on my wheelchair, in a splay of IV supplies, trying to get my blood pressure back up.

At the dinner tonight I chatted with Higaonna-Sensei for a few minutes. He said he is very proud of me, keep training, don't worry about the injuries.  I had passed out earlier, he said it's okay. He's a very caring man and I have no doubts about the Japanese government's decision to canonize him as a national treasure.

Sensei Bob, who organized this entire event and still made time to brew beer for everyone, put together a fantastic video montage of what Nakamura-Sensei has done to become the man he is, giving us all time to reflect on his succession under Higaonna-Sensei. The presentation itself was energizing (and flashy!) and I was glad to see reverence for all he has gone through in training. It was an endearing video and I enjoyed it very much. I hope I'll get to see it again!

It's been fun and challenging to think in four languages. I haven't done a very good job. It's impossible to hear in a hotel. At some point I gave up on my hearing aid and just went deaf. That's another story.

I'm feeling good about myself for the impression I have left on others. It reflects warmly on my Sensei for having made the brave decision to accept me into his school. I want people to understand what a big deal it is that he has taken me on as a student but I have accepted that such is a very long story and I'll let my progress speak for itself.

I have more to write but it's time to pack up, access my port and get fluids running! Today is spirit training. The last day. ONEGAISHIMASU!

Be well.

Gasshuku - MCF 2014 USA Part 1

My hotel room looks like a MASH unit. A fancy one. Hello from the Grand Hyatt Tampa Bay, host of the Miyagi Chojun Festival 2014 for North America. Day two of four is complete and I'm a tired zebra.

Zebra?
For those reading who do not know, the reference to zebras refers to a medical adage taught to med students: "When you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras." The lesson is to think for the obvious diagnostic explanations first, and not the exotic. For people with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome the argument we make is that "Zebras do exist," and for as exotic as our condition is, it must not be ignored or excluded from the diagnostic process.

Mah:
I flew in to town a day early and had one of the best days of my life with my mother, who lives in the area. We had salads, long talks, swimming time and a wonderful dinner made by my stepfather. I truly enjoyed myself and slept very well.

Day One:
I got up at 5am, had a protein shake, coffee and fruit salad. Relaxed, stretched, read a little, played some video games. Mom and Stepdad dropped me off at the hotel.

Hotel Room Fiasco
The short version of the story is that they gave me the wrong room three different times. Not accessible, not overlooking the Bay as promised in the reservation, and a million other problems. This took from 11am to 4pm to sort out. The Gasshuku began at 1:30.

Gasshuku Day One:
Registration was a breeze. It was beautifully organized! Flawless. I appreciate a good start, it sets the tone for the entire weekend.

Oops! Nakamura-Sensei very sweetly informed me that I had accidentally shown up for black belt training at 3:30. Regular training began at 4:30. I parked myself quietly in the back. Higaonna-Sensei came up to me and said to use the time for strengthening. Strengthen, stretch, and flex one hundred times. He said that will make me stronger.  This was my first time speaking with Higaonna-Sensei. He is exactly as I imagined, and I understand why he chose Nakamura-Sensei as his successor. They are both full of love, discipline, respect. One hundred of anything, eh? Okay! I filled 100 water glades for people to drink. ;)

There's so much more but I'm exhausted. More to come. 

Basically Excellent: Gasshuku 2012

Basically Excellent: Gasshuku 2012

A tremendous undertaking, we contemplate our dojo kun because we wish to understand more about ourselves, others, and our relationships with one another. Karateka come from different places in the world, and from different places within ourselves.  At the dojo we assume intelligence and equality.  With those assumptions to unite us we are free to be our true selves—our best selves.  Under the protections of honesty and integrity we expect to learn, and we plan to grow.  Ever in practice of our promise, our diversity strengthens us, and a world-wide assembly provides world-class opportunities to fulfill our intentions as karateka.  Our dojo kun tells us that we are safe to be full of mistakes, because we will be stronger for correcting them.

Gasshuku 2012 with Sensei Tetsuji Nakamura was hosted by Warriors of Grace Karate in Severn, MD, from 30 November to 2 December.  Over 40 adults and 24 children attended, accommodated by the space in Meade Middle School’s gymnasium, while further instruction took place at the WoGK dojo.  Family bordered each practice room in a halo of hope and encouragement, with water, fruits, and towels, to support the physical wellness of students.  For intellectual growth, Sensei Jeff Mann brought his newly published book, When Buddhists Attack.  Spiritual growth was evident in the resilience of sleepy and sore karateka, led by Nakamura Sensei’s every deliberate and practiced instruction.

For karateka, it was a valuable experience to see Tony Sensei at practice among his fellow Masters, namely, Tetsuji Nakamura Sensei, Gene Villa Sensei, Ernie Brennecke Sensei, Chris DeWet Sensei, and Sam Larioza Sensei.  To see Tony Sensei at practice reminds WoGK karateka that while we work among ourselves, we are also developing deep and meaningful relationships with our global community.

With Senpai Carol’s careful planning and tireless efforts to run the entire weekend smoothly and on time Sensei was able to focus on strengthening himself, an effort that will refresh himself and his lessons at the dojo; in helping himself he will help the rest of us.  A room full of black belt karateka broadens the impact of one sensei on his dojo: by helping each other, we help all of us.  In that spirit we learned to help each other; when we work in pairs, we must focus on the growth of our partners, as they will focus on us.  While we help our opponents succeed we are learning by observing, and helping by thinking critically.  In doing so, we fulfill our basic dojo kun intention: bring out the best in ourselves and others.

Mou Ichido (once more) is how Nakamura Sensei became a world leader, building stability and experience through unending practice.  Perhaps repetition seems monotonous, but practice is the point.  Early in the next week, Ernie Sensei broke down the basics and reinforced what makes them effective: weight shifting, body shifting, The eight body motions (up, down, circle, circle in the opposite direction, rotation, hurling, whipping, vibration), changing timing, technique, angles.  With so much to think about, the mou ichido principle gives us endless changes to the way we do things, countless ways to improve.

At all skill levels a recurrent discussion was, why do we practice kata?  A lifetime commitment to repetition teaches us that the moves we make have power and purpose when done carefully, deliberately, and accurately.  Though Nakamura Sensei moves with blinding quickness, he practices moving in a relaxed way because a stiff body cannot move the way it needs to.  Further into the subject we took in demonstrations and practiced techniques that are rooted in basic foundations of the kata.

The banquet at Hella’s Greek Restaurant on Saturday night was arguably the most developmental aspect of Gasshuku 2012 (and inarguably, the most tasty).  Sharing a meal, we talked and laughed, making new friends and sharing memories with those we love.  We remembered our founders, Morio Higaonna Sensei, et al, with reverence for the gifts of care and regard they have given to the practice of karate for our benefit.

A sturdy foundation is everything.  Without it, in karate as with life, it takes too little to be knocked off our feet.  Foundation reminds us that we are delicate.  Our Sensei reminds us that we are resilient.  As we go through our lessons together, we recognize that we become powerful by helping one another as we have received help to become who we are.  We become responsible through mindfulness.  We become excellent like our Sensei through unshakable regard for basics.

Gasshuku

I don't know what we'll be working on tonight but I have been studying and practicing gekisei dai ichi kata all day. I hope we will do some conditioning because I haven't done much all weekend in terms of serious athletic work.

Sensei Nakamura and Sensei Villa visited our dojo this weekend, along with other incredible people from around the world.

When I was invited to practice among them I thought carefully, and decided that although it would be an enormous privilege, as a white belt I could do more for the dojo in service than in karate practice. So I charged up my camera and took 700+ photos. Hopefully everyone got a meaningful photo for their scrapbooks.

A dinner banquet was held on Saturday night at a Greek restaurant. Julie joined me and I had a good view of the head table, where our guests sat, as did Sensei Tony. Seeing him practice as a student reminds me that teachers are also students. 

Everyone I have met is far more gentle than the Bruce Lee stereotype. Kindness and respect trump all other connections we have with one another.

It's still very early in the game for me, but I have really taken to karate. It is always about what I can achieve as an individual. No one is ridiculed or disrespected for being less than an expert. Quite the opposite is true, I have exchanged at least a smile with everyone else! The fact that I am still writing these assessment-style reflections suggests that I am really dumbstruck by the warmth of karateka. I've just never taken on any physically social activity in my life, so it's very new! At my age it should really be old hat, but for many reasons this is my first go. And I love it!

I had to help my precious cat, Figaro, go to heaven over the weekend. There is nothing more we could have done here and I won't let creatures suffer.  As I watched the blood drain from his paws while he flushed from pink to white I learned that my no-suffering rule is a compassionate strength; I have been through so much loss that I'm used to saying goodbye, especially to the sick. Sometimes comfort is all I can offer. For my little kitty, I could offer a little bit more, and let him go from his pained body.

I got Figaro when I was 19 and he was the closest thing I'll ever get to being young and carrying a child.  In spite of my little baby's departure I didn't waste a moment of life with him and it makes me feel good about my own character. That reflection helped me get through all the social interaction at the banquet. That is, if I were wretched, I could not have raised such a beautiful creature that "dog people" are still writing and calling to tell me that my Figo changed their minds about cats. Of course I wish he had lived longer than ten years, but those years were awesome. I miss that stinker and his kisses.

This entry is a bit rambly, but not every swing of the bat is a home run. Off to rest, and then to the dojo!

Be well.