The Myth of "Not In My Dojo"

I won't say "it doesn't happen in my dojo" because no one thinks it happens in their dojo. But I will say that we go through specialized preventative training, and that, despite my own hypervigilance on the subject, I have never seen it in my dojo. I hadn't realized it surely happens in martial arts because I have never seen it happen there. I have also been sheltered by having only ever practiced in two schools.

The dark side of karate includes "grooming", the act of establishing a relationship with a child to ultimately enroll them in a sexual or otherwise abusive relationship for the gain of a maleficent adult. 

A child has no basis for comparison. They are completely helpless against a predator. An adult predator might spend years conditioning them to believe that the abuse is natural, necessary, out of love, wholesome, or anything other than disgusting. An adult child of sexual abuse may not recognize that they were abused until well after a statute of limitations let alone be stable enough to go back and face their abusers.

In our school, for example, we have specialized training required to work with children. A large TV shows cameras during all classes and parents are encouraged to watch. In training for work with children we are taught to spend no more than a few seconds on a correction, to stay as hands-off as possible, and to have someone of the same sex as the student tie their belt. (This is not to say that same-sex abuse doesn't happen, but that this precaution apparently minimizes the risk.) The school invites all students, parents, and staff to training events on prevention of human trafficking and sexual abuse, taught by qualified representatives of that field.

As a Catholic I am no stranger to the story of grooming by people in positions of power. The news is filled with discoveries of sexual predation from the church that ruins the lives of its victims and their families for generations.

Hamlet says, "do not spread the compost on the weeds/ [t]o make them ranker" (3.4.171-173). Briefly, he means, don't add trouble to an already bad situation. I don't know how to acknowledge or discuss these unspeakable abuses. Given parts of my own history, I have an added sensitivity which often gets in my way. But I'm trying to make sense of what I can do to get a foothold of this problem. 

When I hear about these abuses it messes with parts of my identity. What can I do as an adult, non-parent, Catholic, survivor, martial artist? What comfort, empowerment, or comment can I offer without adding to the Internet's weeds? Not much thus far: there are no excuses or valid reasons for this, anywhere in the world, ever.

I am seldom without words, and I feel strongly compelled to say something, but I have no idea what to say. Here are some preliminary thoughts, which fall egregiously short:

1. If I see what appears to be child abuse, I absolutely will report it.

2. If I come upon an adult child of abuse, I will believe them and behave compassionately toward them.

3. I will refer to every resource I know to help someone in crisis.

4. I will maintain confidentiality for absolutely as long as it is safe to do so.

5. I will take care of my own self separately.

6. I will not participate in grooming.

7. I will not internalize the guilt or the abuse in the Catholic church--or anywhere in the world--as a failure on my part, but I will accept personal responsibility of taking steps to not contribute to the abuse, and to speak up or stop it when I see it.

8. I will take steps ensure that my time with others is as safe and positive as it can be.

Abuse happens everywhere, and it seems particularly rampant in the church and in sports. I will do my part to be informed and aware.

Gasshuku - MCF 2014 Karateka Kodomo (Karate Kids)

In small group training I had the pleasure of working with a young lady from Oklahoma.  She's already tough as nails, she is going to be someone very important someday, I can see leadership and patience in her.  She is like a cherry blossom, and when she blooms she's going to be so green and so strong that she will give shade and beauty to the world around her for as long as she is in it.

By the recommendation of my wonderful partner, we moved toward the back of our small group and worked on Bunkai with two other young karateka, a brother and sister who love one another enough to even stick with one another when they have an opportunity to work with karateka from all over the hemisphere.  These siblings have a sweetness to them, a camaraderie where one will not move without bringing the other along.  They have a lot of love and a strong mother, so they will move up, and bring one another along for the adventure.  This is as it should be, and to have had a few moments practice with them fills me with satisfaction because I shall have been a part of that story.

My partner and I split up the siblings so we could help them improve their skills.  The younger one, a boy, was very gentle with me.  I asked him why, and he said, "I don't like to hit people.  I don't want to hurt anybody.  I would feel really bad if I hurt somebody."  It was a moment where I had to decide whether to roll with it, or to try to guide him.  This is someone else's child, with their own way of raising him.  They are trusting other karateka to be good senpai for their children.  So I said, "You know, that's a great attitude to have, that's exactly as it should be.  But when you're working with a partner, you're going to be careful, but you will be teaching your partner what it feels like to get hit, and to be brave, and to respond well, so that they will be able to protect themselves if they come upon someone who is not as friendly or as caring as you are."  I don't know if that made sense to him, but it seemed like the right thing to say. At dinner I got to sit with that family, and I should like to know them forever because they are fantastic people.

It was a genuine pleasure having the privilege of working with IOGKF kodomo. My goodness, what hope I have seen in the youth this weekend!

Reaching Out, Reaching In

The belts in this picture are my former ones, and my finest achievements. They show that I have not given up on my body, and they wrap around me as does the love of so many people.

It has been seven months since my wife left me. My dojo has continued to be the anchor that keeps me from sailing over the edge of the earth. A hundred or more people with and without EDS cheer me on while my medical professionals help me keep at it. I feel like a jerk because, despite all of this, I still ache for her. This is a major error of thought as it invalidates everyone who has helped me pick up the pieces.  Karate has been a way to cope, something to focus on.

The picture in this blog entry is of my first four belts, stacked and bundled with a modest thread. They rest on my bookshelf where my wedding photo once stood. I need them there right now because they remind me to continue fighting like H. E. Double Hockey Sticks to stay positive. It hurts to be without my wife, to know that she has let go and moved on, but I have not. 

My friend and Sensei Mike, up in Buffalo, challenged me to keep a leader's attitude. I am aware of the fact that I say much online, and everything I say can be construed rather deeply by a lot of people. Such is true of anything we say or do. It has taken much grace by people who continue to reach out to me, to remind me that even getting support online can be asked for and gotten in a positive way. Positivity does not just happen. It is a choice--a way of being--actively pursued. 

Asking for support at all is a positive move. Just like asking for help to perform a move or technique in karate, asking for help to navigate a cloudy day is another way to connect with people who care. Self-Defense is about self-preservation. If we go the extra mile physically,  then it makes sense to also go the extra mile emotionally, and both in good company.

I do not wait for a crisis before I reach out. It is the "humility" part of my dojokun, a beautiful meditation authored by my Sensei on which I rely several times a day. We all have to make choices. If we are creative and patient we can perhaps always find at least one positive choice. If we cannot, that is the signal to reach out.

Reaching out looks like this:
1. Identify people I trust with my thoughts before crisis starts, tag them in my phone contacts as teammates.  Also tag 1-800-SUICIDE, 1-800-VET-2-VET, and any other crisis line.  It helps to have a confidential and nonjudgmental person at the ready.

2. Don't overthink it, just call. Say, "Do you have some time to talk? I am having a tough time and could use some support."

3. Be honest with yourself and the person or people helping you. Tell the truth.

4. Do your best. It will be messy because crisis is a highly emotional time. Karate and other self-defense practitioners may feel that they should be tough enough to handle it alone, but the strength to be vulnerable is essential in self-care. 

5. Give your awesome self a round of applause. You go, you tough cookie. Make a plan for tomorrow so you have something to look forward to, practice a kata, drink some water, and get some rest.

Good work! Nobody said it was easy. But if you practice karate you are no stranger to being tough. Inner strength is much of overall strength. Seize the opportunities to get a little stronger by practicing with others. That is, reach out when you need to. 

Now on my 7-kyu belt, I am right at the early intermediate level. I think that I am conceptually in the right place. Physically I am working very hard to get stronger. Stronger, in my world means more stable, movements more deliberate, complex exercises practiced more conservatively in favour of longevity. I really want to strike a balance on that last one before I progress any further. I reach out to my doctors, physiotherapists, friends, and of course, my Sensei. 

Be well.