Re: Creepy Hug Defenses for Every Woman

There is no one way to say NO. However it's said, it must be abundantly clear, and repeated as many times as it takes. Body language, facial expression, and speech must be in clear agreement.

This video is alarming, as it should be. It's presented in a positive, sterile-white background, but the subject matter is red-light serious. We shouldn't need videos like this; but since we do, here we are, and it begs for discussion on a hundred levels.

Source: GracieBreakdown, YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gyr9gOtRdJ8

NO takes three steps:

1. Person 1 crosses a physical or social boundary (or almost does).
2. Person 2 indicates NO through clear body language and/or words that point out the boundary.
3. Person 1 adjusts their behaviour accordingly.

Saying NO doesn't have to be loud or aggressive, it needs to be clear.

Whose responsibility is it to teach NO?

Can I live with it if I let him take a feel so I can go on with my day? If I say NO I can protect myself, but without addressing it directly, he may go on to do the same thing to others Can I do anything to stop him, and what will it take out of me to fight that battle?

Saying NO is risky and that sucks.

A woman* may be accused of overreacting, misreading. What's worse, it can be dangerous to say no. That danger may be physical, psychological, social, political, and on. It can cost her job and even her future job prospects, and that sucks. She is forced to choose: would she rather live staving off the psychological impact of covert (or overt) sexual assault? Or, would she prefer to live with the social implications of her NO being ignored, or blown out of proportion, to the detriment of her future, safety, and livelihood? That sucks. That's a shit choice.

In the #MeToo movement women come out of the woodwork once an assailant has been exposed. These women have missed thousands of opportunities to protect themselves and others, until one finally did speak up to expose the abuser, often at the cost of her own reputation and/or livelihood.

NO vs. "Yes, but...." 

Several of the video's defenses lack a transfer of psychological power, a posturing of NO. The examples appear to say, "yes, but", as in, "Yes, we can take a selfie, but you can't touch my butt." This doesn't address the fact that groping is wrong and it allows the social interaction to continue after a deliberate action had to be taken to prevent sexual assault. She protected herself, but if he tried to grope her, he will do it to others.

Having to step backward twice to avoid a hug is unacceptable. In the video she verbalized, "I prefer handshakes" and he stopped, this is another clear NO and a desirable outcome for her, but  

Having to keep elbowing someone's arm so they don't grope you is unacceptable.

The hugger has either ignored or not gotten the message. The onus is on the woman to react in self-defense. If not, she must live with the humiliation or learn to block it out. She must to continue self-defense until it stops by stepping away or verbalizing, "hands off." 

Everyone has limits but not everyone knows what they are. 

Eventually the woman in the video gets fed up and takes the man to the ground. Deciding when and how to react takes practice. Every situation is different and quick thinking is always best aided by prior practice.

These are just some preliminary thoughts, but a thousand more come to mind. 

Know your limits and options before you need them, and hopefully you never will.

Take a self-defense seminar course, even if you don't plan to join a martial arts school. Make decisions when you have time to think them through in a seminar, instead of on the fly in an awkward social situation.

*woman, or man, or anybody in between. As the video intended the audience to be "every woman" I addressed it that way.

Gassho.

The Myth of "Not In My Dojo"

I won't say "it doesn't happen in my dojo" because no one thinks it happens in their dojo. But I will say that we go through specialized preventative training, and that, despite my own hypervigilance on the subject, I have never seen it in my dojo. I hadn't realized it surely happens in martial arts because I have never seen it happen there. I have also been sheltered by having only ever practiced in two schools.

The dark side of karate includes "grooming", the act of establishing a relationship with a child to ultimately enroll them in a sexual or otherwise abusive relationship for the gain of a maleficent adult. 

A child has no basis for comparison. They are completely helpless against a predator. An adult predator might spend years conditioning them to believe that the abuse is natural, necessary, out of love, wholesome, or anything other than disgusting. An adult child of sexual abuse may not recognize that they were abused until well after a statute of limitations let alone be stable enough to go back and face their abusers.

In our school, for example, we have specialized training required to work with children. A large TV shows cameras during all classes and parents are encouraged to watch. In training for work with children we are taught to spend no more than a few seconds on a correction, to stay as hands-off as possible, and to have someone of the same sex as the student tie their belt. (This is not to say that same-sex abuse doesn't happen, but that this precaution apparently minimizes the risk.) The school invites all students, parents, and staff to training events on prevention of human trafficking and sexual abuse, taught by qualified representatives of that field.

As a Catholic I am no stranger to the story of grooming by people in positions of power. The news is filled with discoveries of sexual predation from the church that ruins the lives of its victims and their families for generations.

Hamlet says, "do not spread the compost on the weeds/ [t]o make them ranker" (3.4.171-173). Briefly, he means, don't add trouble to an already bad situation. I don't know how to acknowledge or discuss these unspeakable abuses. Given parts of my own history, I have an added sensitivity which often gets in my way. But I'm trying to make sense of what I can do to get a foothold of this problem. 

When I hear about these abuses it messes with parts of my identity. What can I do as an adult, non-parent, Catholic, survivor, martial artist? What comfort, empowerment, or comment can I offer without adding to the Internet's weeds? Not much thus far: there are no excuses or valid reasons for this, anywhere in the world, ever.

I am seldom without words, and I feel strongly compelled to say something, but I have no idea what to say. Here are some preliminary thoughts, which fall egregiously short:

1. If I see what appears to be child abuse, I absolutely will report it.

2. If I come upon an adult child of abuse, I will believe them and behave compassionately toward them.

3. I will refer to every resource I know to help someone in crisis.

4. I will maintain confidentiality for absolutely as long as it is safe to do so.

5. I will take care of my own self separately.

6. I will not participate in grooming.

7. I will not internalize the guilt or the abuse in the Catholic church--or anywhere in the world--as a failure on my part, but I will accept personal responsibility of taking steps to not contribute to the abuse, and to speak up or stop it when I see it.

8. I will take steps ensure that my time with others is as safe and positive as it can be.

Abuse happens everywhere, and it seems particularly rampant in the church and in sports. I will do my part to be informed and aware.

Do You Tape or Splint?

I try not to tape up or brace my body for class unless I absolutely need it. My primary goal is self-defense, so I want my body to work as one cohesive unit, as I may not be taped or braced in the event of an altercation. God forbid. My Sensei keeps a very close watch on me and I have enough sense to sit out of--or modify--things that would be too dangerous for me to do safely. I follow all safety instructions from my Sensei to the letter, make sure I understand the instructions,  and I trust my partners to do the same. Rotten eggs don't stay in the dojo for long, it's all good people.

Quite a few of the people in my dojo, maybe even the majority of them, have prior combat and martial art training. This makes them well prepared to control themselves, and to taper their aggression. That's actually a part of it, being able to use the minimum amount of force required to be effective. So, they get something out of working with me, too!

Every one of us is struggling with something, whether we have a disability or not. We gather in the dojo to overcome what we can, and to help one another along those journeys. In fact, our ability to be a good partner is a part of our assessment for whether or not we level up. If we are not a good partner, we don't progress. Part of our success relies on how well we can help the people we are working with. Isn't that cool? It's easily my favourite rule in my dojo!

When I first began I only worked with black belts because they had the best control of their own movements, which kept me the safest. It also gave me the privilege of befriending people who had been there for a long time, and who were much farther along in their journeys than I was. As I became stronger and better at what I was doing, it became easier to work safely with lower belts, as I got better at defending myself and lower belts tends to not strike very hard at all.

Every day is different, and every day is a fresh start. You just have to overcome and adapt, keep a level head and keep going. You will learn volumes about your body in your first three or so belts, and after that you will get into learning about the martial art itself.

Don't forget that an enormous incentive of joining the martial arts is connection with the community greater than you'll ever fully access. For example, my karate Federation, IOGKF, is worldwide. We all do exactly the same exercises, and if I walked into any dojo I could expect the same results. It's also awesome to think about the fact that many of those people already have a lot more knowledge in physiology and combat than I do, many of them are medically trained in case I do get injured, and I park my car right outside the front door so that I have access to every mobility aid and pain reliever I can jam into the vehicle!

You're going to do great. Take the plunge!