The Rest of Karate

In its own cruel and crooked way my body is telling me to stop. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome has a zillionth-degree black belt in sucking the life out of me. I have to accept on some level that it has the power to drop me to the floor at will. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome doesn't give me as many choices as it does chances to adapt to its demands. Like working with a higher-level senpai I have had to learn to fall gracefully, to minimize the damage. It takes many attempts and today is a marathon practice session.

Saturday morning at 8am is karate class. Getting started in the mornings is very hard, and usually painful. On weeknights I am already exhausted by class time, so there is less trouble. I just go for it and crash when I get home for a good night's sleep. On Saturday morning I usually haven't slept well. There is no time to wait for meds to kick in, no time for the nausea to subside before breakfast. There is no time to rub the swelling out or to let the typical analgesic dry. I do not have several hours before class to wear a splint that will get the pain down by keeping my body positioned properly. My cranial nerves still have their death grip on my jaw from a night out of place and the pressure makes it hard to see straight for about an hour.

Today is a couch day. Even though I rested all evening and night my body will not even allow me to get upstairs for a shower. It took a lot of effort to heat some soup for lunch.

I knew that part of my karate training would be coping with missed classes. I am not in any kind of rush to advance belts, I just like being there.  I had gone another Saturday and learned from the bench, and that was okay. I was included just the same and was even congratulated for showing up! That's all I need because I have done a lot of work to let myself simply be present as a form of being enough. I swallow down guilt, frustration and anger to do it.

I still choke on the idea that I am ruining it for other people by making them feel sorry for me. I get a feeling that I should just stay home and not drag everybody down, like self-imposed isolation is a responsible thing when you're sick.  That's someone else's opinion in my head and it isn't true, but it still cuts deeply because the people who claim that are very close to me. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I believe that by showing up and doing what I can, no matter how little, is more meaningful them my absence. My commitment to being there and the warmth I get in sharing a smile with my senpai tells me that isolation is wrong.

Still, here I am: it's a couch day. I'm alone on the couch with my phone and some picture books. I'm struggling to let go of having missed karate. I am too spur to practice on my own. Even using Swype to write this entry hurts a lot! The pain is everywhere, deep, sharp and hot. But I also have to stay out of my own head on my down days, so a short entry is worth the effort.

I hate feeling trapped. It's a real drag. But I am committed to karate, so I will give my body the time it needs to recover and maybe make it back on Monday.