Reaching Out, Reaching In

The belts in this picture are my former ones, and my finest achievements. They show that I have not given up on my body, and they wrap around me as does the love of so many people.

It has been seven months since my wife left me. My dojo has continued to be the anchor that keeps me from sailing over the edge of the earth. A hundred or more people with and without EDS cheer me on while my medical professionals help me keep at it. I feel like a jerk because, despite all of this, I still ache for her. This is a major error of thought as it invalidates everyone who has helped me pick up the pieces.  Karate has been a way to cope, something to focus on.

The picture in this blog entry is of my first four belts, stacked and bundled with a modest thread. They rest on my bookshelf where my wedding photo once stood. I need them there right now because they remind me to continue fighting like H. E. Double Hockey Sticks to stay positive. It hurts to be without my wife, to know that she has let go and moved on, but I have not. 

My friend and Sensei Mike, up in Buffalo, challenged me to keep a leader's attitude. I am aware of the fact that I say much online, and everything I say can be construed rather deeply by a lot of people. Such is true of anything we say or do. It has taken much grace by people who continue to reach out to me, to remind me that even getting support online can be asked for and gotten in a positive way. Positivity does not just happen. It is a choice--a way of being--actively pursued. 

Asking for support at all is a positive move. Just like asking for help to perform a move or technique in karate, asking for help to navigate a cloudy day is another way to connect with people who care. Self-Defense is about self-preservation. If we go the extra mile physically,  then it makes sense to also go the extra mile emotionally, and both in good company.

I do not wait for a crisis before I reach out. It is the "humility" part of my dojokun, a beautiful meditation authored by my Sensei on which I rely several times a day. We all have to make choices. If we are creative and patient we can perhaps always find at least one positive choice. If we cannot, that is the signal to reach out.

Reaching out looks like this:
1. Identify people I trust with my thoughts before crisis starts, tag them in my phone contacts as teammates.  Also tag 1-800-SUICIDE, 1-800-VET-2-VET, and any other crisis line.  It helps to have a confidential and nonjudgmental person at the ready.

2. Don't overthink it, just call. Say, "Do you have some time to talk? I am having a tough time and could use some support."

3. Be honest with yourself and the person or people helping you. Tell the truth.

4. Do your best. It will be messy because crisis is a highly emotional time. Karate and other self-defense practitioners may feel that they should be tough enough to handle it alone, but the strength to be vulnerable is essential in self-care. 

5. Give your awesome self a round of applause. You go, you tough cookie. Make a plan for tomorrow so you have something to look forward to, practice a kata, drink some water, and get some rest.

Good work! Nobody said it was easy. But if you practice karate you are no stranger to being tough. Inner strength is much of overall strength. Seize the opportunities to get a little stronger by practicing with others. That is, reach out when you need to. 

Now on my 7-kyu belt, I am right at the early intermediate level. I think that I am conceptually in the right place. Physically I am working very hard to get stronger. Stronger, in my world means more stable, movements more deliberate, complex exercises practiced more conservatively in favour of longevity. I really want to strike a balance on that last one before I progress any further. I reach out to my doctors, physiotherapists, friends, and of course, my Sensei. 

Be well.