Another night sick as a dog. Back to fully dehydrated despite fluids. I reviewed some kata in my head but I'm too tired to think clearly. I'm determined to be strong, the enemy isn't going to ask if I'm feeling up to a fight.
I've been intensely sick for 90 days as of today. I spent the last week in March in the hospital and have been struggling desperately to recover. I've had a gauntlet of the most gross medical tests I can imagine having done, and have more to go, before I get any answers. Until then I'm on a rainbow of pro-motility agents that work on my guts like your friendly neighborhood jackhammer.
Gastroparesis is the working diagnosis but my emptying study turned out negative. The radioactive eggs weren't all bad, but it was the least disgusting of all the tests, with this Friday bring the grand finale of gross.
I'm afraid to eat because my guts are like tubes full of grenades. I'm afraid not to eat because no food means no energy. Every few days I eat full meals and get so sick that I end up dehydrated and exhausted. And doubled over in pain.
My couch and I are very close these days. I haven't seen the dojo in over a week and my toddler mind is afraid it won't be there when I get back.
In my mind I'm going over kata, but I'm really so tired...so tired.
The enemy is not going to ask if I'm tired. I need to keep fighting. It's in my blood.
No comments:
Post a Comment