The worst thing a karateka can do is not practice every day. Just something. Anything. Such was not in the cards for me this week. I spent the week in bed, my only activities centered around getting a little bit of time in at the office and putting myself around compassionate friends to help me cope worth the pain and sick.
The hardest thing at my sickest times is getting healthy meals in. When I'm feeling well I am able to cook, prepare meals, shop for groceries, and best of all, chew. When I am sick my jaw dislocates, I choke on nothing, don't have hands to feed myself, and you can forget about digestion.
This thing about pursuing an athletic adventure such as karate is that you cannot out-exercise a bad diet. When I get sick I want to eat even more healthy than I usually do (which isn't as healthy as I'd like but isn't far off) so that I can hurry up and get back to the dojo! I want to get back to kicking and punching, participating in every way that I can. But I have yet to beat this challenge.
Sensei would know better than I, but I think that even though I need a lot of adaptations I'm pretty close to everybody else's movements. But when I'm sick for a week like this my body becomes incredibly weak and unstable. It will probably take me a month to get back up to par but I don't even feel better yet. I just forced myself to come to karate this morning because I needed it.
I have come to need karate as a vital part of my existence, part of my identity and self-worth. My whole heart is in it, and when I'm laying alone on the couch I just wish I were practicing karate. But sometimes the pain is so severe that I really cannot make an honest movement without crying out. When that happens I feel really pathetic. Part of this is a conditioned response where, when I was sick as a child my family would tell me to shut up or they would give me something to cry about. The other part is just that I am so strong willed that I become surprised when I can't will myself to ignore the pain and do the physical work that I know is going to keep my body moving successfully.
I really need to figure out methods for getting healthy nutrition when I'm sick and keeping my body somehow active. I worked really hard during the week to learn pain management mindfulness techniques and keep my attitude up.
Despite my efforts my feelings caught up to me about my wife's desertion. She used to help me through these times and I felt comforted. Now those memories are torture on top of the existing pain, nurturing and whole moments soured by the weakness of a bond she promised me forever. Lately my mind has been so distraught that I haven't been able to focus or produce like I normally do. Couple that with being sick and I naturally long for stability, support and structure, which karate offers.
My Sensei and Senpai are dear, lending encouragement and leadership so I don't get soft when I'm sick. If I can just get to the dojo I will be held to the standards of doing my absolute best, trying everything, and adapting what I cannot safely do. Today I dislocated my hip while we were kicking and it would not go back in place. I'm actually writing this in the parking lot of the dojo because I don't trust myself to drive until the swelling goes down. A fellow karateka ran out to my car and got my crutches for me so I could get out of the dojo, and it felt very good that I could ask for help. It doesn't feel good to need to ask for help, such is a universal sensation. But it feels good to know that when I need to, I can. I made a joke on my way out the door, that if anybody asks, I made it all the way through class.
It doesn't take much for a body with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome to lose its conditioning. Muscle hypotonia being a primary contender, the spams and laxity were rampant today. Pair that up with the side effects of medication and I have no idea how to cope with my condition. The easy answer is that I can't, and that's why I have a strong support network.
I desperately need to get back to physiotherapy. I had to stop attending when my wife left because of the cost. When I was lying on the couch all week I knew that I was doing myself a disservice by being still, and I just prayed that somehow I would be able to get back to physiotherapy. I really needed someone to help me get moving, and there is nobody now. The way my wife left was abrupt, & I haven't had the chops or the energy to get the support in place that I need in order to live. I'm in a terrible way and if I could just manage the physical pain I think it would help my quality of life significantly. For example, I haven't done laundry in two weeks. You can forget about mowing the lawn. The last time I took a bona fide walk was about a month ago. Its not that I haven't found a million ways to adapt these processes, but when I'm doing it all alone I just cannot apply all those adaptations to all of those functions. They're hard enough for someone able bodied to complete independently.
How do I break the cycle? That has yet to be determined. But for now I'm going back to bed until I feel well enough to hazard a shower.
EDS sucks. No two ways about it. Karate rocks. More than being the best defense I've found against giving up, it actually raises the bar by giving me an internal reason to face hellacious physical challenges.
I'm glad to be welcome here at the dojo. There is a magical aspect to this place, which reveals itself in its willingness to work with all kinds of people from all walks of life. Knowing I can never repay my Sensei for his generosity and support I am just doing my best and trying to let the pain go through me so I can get right back to the love and excitement of practice.
I use dictation to write these blogs. The number of times my jaw has dislocated is above five. It's time to stop. Be well.
-=-=-
Through discipline, strength and humility
I will strive to bring out the best in myself and others.
I will use common sense before self-defense
And never be abusive or offensive.
I will strive to have patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control.
-Megumi no Bushido Dojokun
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