Thursday, April 10, 2014

On Self-determination, Anxiety and Guilt

Working from bed sucks. I want my bed to be for reading and sleeping. I'm glad to have fought for the ability to work from home but I'm frustrated to be so limited in my own home.

It's one of those days where I've been awake for hours and haven't the energy to even brush my teeth. Just trying to stick to the schedule and pace myself. The pain is sky-high and the anxiety follows suit if I don't keep actively reminding myself that there will be better days.

Sensei called to ask how I'm doing and I am very grateful for the call, it was nice to hear the voice of another human being. On days like this when I had physiotherapy at home to look forward to I had a little help starting my day, and then I had the rehabilitation help to try to get my pain under control. It left me better able to function, which translates to being able to function at all. Now I don't have that and it's tough again. This can get depressing but I am trying hard to remember that I look forward to better days.

Tonight I have karate. Here is the thought process:
-How will I get there?
-I'll be up by then, but will I stay up?
-Can I go all out since I will be going right back to bed, or will my blood pressure destabilize?
-Should I use my crutches?
-Should I bring my blood pressure cuff?
-Will I be able to work the day after?
-Would I be able to work the day after anyway?

Karate is a part of my exercise regimen and a human right of self-determination. It keeps me healthy by giving me physical improvement and emotional connection with other people.

Someone asked, "what do you look forward to?" And the answer was karate. I've pined on this question for a month. That's the answer. It has become a need, part of my identity. A very positive part, curiously compatible with my disabilities.

I may not last in the class tonight but I am compelled to be there. It's a good thing, and no one need ever feel guilty about a best effort to take care of themselves.

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