It looks like I'll be headed to Gallaudet in the spring to learn ASL more fluently. I've been signing since I was 8 but stuck between the Deaf and hearing worlds. There is no Hard of Hearing world in society. If you're Hard of Hearing, the Hearing say you're Deaf and the Deaf say you're Hearing. Unilateral deafness, which I have, is none of those. It's unbalanced and doesn't make any sense.
Which has a higher cost-to-benefit ratio: listening too hard, or not listening at all? Even though I have an implant, the natural hearing part of my body is unilaterally Deaf. I'm 30 years old. I have always been unilaterally Deaf. I'm defining Deaf as unable to use sound. I've relied on ASL all my life. Why am I struggling? Why am I still trying to convince myself that I deserve to just move on with my life, that ASL is a valid way of existing, even if I can hear sound?
This evening I called my brother and explained that I still want to go to medical school, but I'm afraid of getting sick. So until I have more information, I'm just going to learn ASL because it will help me perform at work, and I'll be able to use it in school. He didn't realize that I have been using interpreters for years. It's incredible to think that I've done that well, that my own brother had no idea! One of my favorite things about my deafness that makes me laugh is what my brother calls "The Honk." If it's quiet or I haven't spoken in a while, and someone speaks, I will very loudly honk, "HUH?" He always laughs and mimics the sound, and I give a great, big, belly laugh.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have been treated pretty much the same, but countless times in my life I've spent unable to keep up with conversations and arguments, met with, "who are you talking to, the mother ship?" when I made odd sounds to self-soothe. People say "never mind" far more often than they explain things to me, and I have to say, "No, please explain it to me."
Today, I'm a stronger self-advocate. In karate class I say, "I'm sorry, please say it again--not more loudly--but more slowly and clearly, so that I can understand you, too. I'm interested in what you're saying, and I don't want to miss it." My fellow students are very understanding. Some do forget, or don't quite know how to speak with someone with deafness. Those are the points that trip me up. Do I interrupt again? Do I interrupt as many times as it takes? Why do I choke with upset when I ask, they oblige, and I still can't hear?
I can't just pull the person aside to practice it at the end of class because the auditory dynamics have changed that way. I don't know how to replicate what I need because I have never needed to talk to myself. I don't know if how people talk to me is louder than how they talk to others. I don't know when I am whispering or shouting, and I never have. In an open space like the dojo, or outside, in a gymnasium, I can't hear a thing. One sound may as well be another, because although two distinct sounds may be different wavelengths, neither means anything in the presence of the other.
Does it take two surgeries, an ossicular implant, and a hearing aid, to realize I'm capital-D Deaf, to accept that I have unilateral Deafness, that the sound has never made any sense, and never will, even when it's louder? At what point do I give up trying to be "Hard of Hearing" and just accept that I'm Deaf? Why do I worry about not being Deaf enough? I can't hear, can't keep up with an oral conversation, fall mute mid-sentence, I'm perfectly brilliant in writing and online chat, there is no question.
That said, I am used to fighting Deafness, finding ways around, sneaking through conversations by saying very little, avoiding the phone at all costs, lip reading, asking people to repeat themselves, taking reams of notes because I can't make sense of or remember what I heard.
My hearing loss is conductive, not neurological. That means sound resonates just fine through bone, and I could get a cochlear implant. However, I've been Deaf all my life, and the sensory deprivation in that region of my brain has left it under-developed. It doesn't know what to do with sound because my brain never learned that function on the left side.
But with a cochlear implant I would be listening to sound from the crown of my head and throughout my skull, rather than through my ears. I am so overwhelmed by sound already that I think I'd rather not put myself through that. i understand that cochlear implants have their place, but so does ASL. This is where insurance falls short: they will pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for cochlear implants, but nothing for speech therapy and ASL to accommodate Deafness.
When I got my ossicular implant I asked my surgeon if there was any kind of program out there for the newly hearing, because I was constantly overwhelmed. That was several years ago, and the sensitivity has never diminished. At times sound is so painful that it hurts all the way down into my throat.
So why write this in my karate blog? Well, my dojo is where I spend the majority of my week, and it constitutes the largest percentage of my social life. At work I don't speak, and at home it's just my wife and me. She is learning sign too now, and it has brought us much closer together.
I feel that ASL is my natural language because I switch to it when I fall mute mid-sentence. I switch to it when I am overwhelmed, afraid, comfortable, excited, sick. In post-op, I always sign instead of speaking while in recovery, and I never know this until later. I used to think that I switched to ASL because I liked speaking another language. But I speak several languages and I don't switch to them for comfort. I switch to those languages for excitement or expression in ways that American English cannot offer.
If I embrace ASL, I will either have to teach my friends and the people around me, or I will have to make new friends. A little of each will happen, in all reality. But wouldn't it be neat if I could just focus on karate, rather than trying to lip read the sensei or senpai in the mirror? Wouldn't it be awesome if I could just be ready to work with a partner instead of having things explained to me several times?
If I embrace ASL, I will be accepting the fact that ASL has embraced me. I have seen a lot of great concerts and comedians, attended lectures, meals and social events, because I have had ASL to help me enjoy it. Perhaps I feel that I am abusing the privilege because my other ear is hearing. It's not an altogether absurd feeling to have.
If I embrace ASL, I can take my hearing aid out. I could potentially get rid of this ridiculously painful and chronically overwhelming ossicular implant. However, if I do that, the nerve will die from disuse.
Hearing is a beautiful thing. I love listening to sensei count to ten when we do drills. For some reason it's very soothing, it helps me focus. I love hearing my breath when I pant with exhaustion. I rely on the sounds of my bones to tell me whether I am in place or hyperextended. I would miss those things. Can I use my hearing to enjoy those sounds, but still allow myself to use ASL 100% of the time, even if I am speaking? What would it mean for Karate if I decided to choose to not use my hearing aid anymore? I have seen a blind man perform a double lutz in the ice rink. I'm sure I could be successful. Without a doubt, my dojo will not leave me behind.
Several students have made a commitment to helping me through for as long as I am willing to help myself through. If everyone knew how that felt, there would be no war. They are an incredible bunch of people, and I am so much stronger for knowing them that it's bringing me to tackle these enormous questions about who I am, how I identify, how I choose to live and communicate. And just like karate, I'll take it just a little bit at a time, starting with an ASL course, presumably at Gallaudet.
Check out "Through Deaf Eyes" at PBS:
http://www.pbs.org/weta/throughdeafeyes/
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