Never Stop Learning

I've spent the last three days on the couch sleeping and puking my guts up. EDS is for the birds.

It all started Tuesday, which rolled into Wednesday: a full two days of training for work in a hot and full room. I wilted like lettuce fried in oil. Nothing I did worked to stave off the heat exhaustion. I couldn't keep my joints in, my skin was burning, I was nauseous, it was a mess. They got a fan running but it wasn't enough. I'm glad I had a terp because I couldn't hear over the fan. :p. Such days are long and painful. Not a special chair, a back brace or a vista collar would keep me vertical.  What's amazing is that I have not needed any of these devices since last summer's heat took its toll. I had forgotten how completely it saps me of life and wellness.

My port did what it was supposed to do: kept me conscious and hydrated. But that wasn't enough. When I got home Wednesday night I collapsed until this afternoon.

I took advantage of the downtime to think about the muscles I've been using in my kata practice, and to think about the way Rafael looks when he performs them. They are very different. I also watched Higaonna-Sensei on YouTube performing Gekisai Dai Ni about ten times. I tried toughening my weak and hurting muscles from the couch as though they were going to perform those kata from the sofa. I have everything but the nekowashi dachi hands. I think.

When I miss karate my heart breaks. I had decided that I would make it today by hook or by crook, even if just to sit on the bench. But I had no energy in me this morning after having been sick all night.

This is one of the times when it's the worst thing to be alone. Not only am I a prisoner in my body, but my mind is wondering what my wife is out doing with another woman who is not sick, and I wonder all kinds of things that it is best not to think about.  I was too sick to prepare food that I just threw up anyway once I finally got them made. That's nowhere near as cool as practicing karate!

This is the reality of EDS. It is unpredictably severe, painful, lonely, and tiring. I need to remember this bout the next time I feel badly that I'm not keeping up in karate. The reality of EDS is this: it's amazing that I am following this dream! I could give up and let myself keep feeling like death as much as I do, or I can make my best effort to do everything I can for as long as possible. I have not wasted a single moment of my time in the dojo. My PT was right, when I am sick and stuck in bed, I'm going to want those memories. There is so little else keeping me company these days.

I am proud of my hard work and I wish to be brave when I my days are less triumphant. Such is a challenge, and begs for wisdom on how to be grateful for what I have accomplished, rather than angry about my limitations. But it's about balance, right? About not being satisfied with just getting by? We only get one life to live and I have the chance to make a lot of good choices. May they be good ones.