We're going to support you through this. -Sensei

This evening's class was all about endurance. We stood in shiko dachi stance and held our positions while each student counted from 1 to 10 in Japanese, with a Kiai! in the middle of each, punching with every count. It took a lot out of me but I was amazed that I was able to participate. I actually finished with the rest of the class! Now, when I stood up, it was a different story, but I still felt good, even though I felt an enormous rush of pain. It went away in a few seconds.

I had sent my Sensei an email explaining how difficult times have been for me. It's been so humiliating to have to rely so much on others when my independence means so much to me. However, I consider myself extremely lucky because I have the kind of friends who are aware of the importance of anybody's sense of independence and self.

When I get to karate I know immediately a few things:
1. Something wonderful is about to happen.
2. This will hurt.
3. I will be proud of myself.
4. My fellow classmates will not let me fail.
5. I will not give up on my classmates.

Sensei watches every one of us from warm up to cool down. He expects our best and he has the leadership skills to pull it out of us. I can tell when he is frustrated because he doesn't let it get to him. He turns stress into effort and enrolls the students in success. I enjoy watching him teach as much as I enjoy learning.

An interesting note is that I have always struggled with my skin colour. I really dislike how yellow I look as an Italian. I know nobody even notices and under most light I look white. But Italians weren't even seen as white people until the Civil Rights Movement. My family culture is very Italian. The food I eat, the language I use, the way I carry myself, all Italian (for better or for worse). I'm okay with that, though I miss being around other Italians. But my skin colour makes me feel so alone. I am the only one in my class who is my colour or culture and it's the same at work.

When I practice karate in front of the mirror I have to face what I look like from head to toe. Believe it or not I am happy with what I see because I am improving every day. Everyone struggles with something they would change about themselves. For me you would think it would be my weight or my shape. While I would indeed like to change those things, I do wish I were either more olive or less yellow.  I suppose it's vain to be thinking about these things when the mirrors are there so I can make sure I am standing properly. I have to remember Zander's Rule #6 and get back to my practices!

After an endurance exercise Sensei had us all shake it out and stretch. Since I don't need to stretch I walk in place and relax my muscles.

"Relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax" -Nakamura Tetsuji Sensei, on each step while running in place

I work extremely hard on staying relaxed and I am beginning to get results. I fatigue more slowly, hurt less sharply, and play more happily.

While we practiced neko washi dachi (cat stance) My feet hurt very badly. I really suffer when we do foot work. But I give it my all. I know Sensei sees me struggling and I think he is proud of me during those times because he doesn't say anything to me. But once I stabilize and get back with the group he always gives me an encouraging word, or he then makes the effort to correct me. I don't think I can explain how it feels when someone accepts me as I am and helps me grow from wherever I started. But I think part of the feeling is supported. The other part has something to do with love and compassion.  And let's be honest-sometimes it's just funny to watch because I take it so seriously!  To relax takes practice. Relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax....

As I walked out of the dojo Sensei gave me a pat on the shoulder and said, "I'm glad you came. We're going to support you through this." I was so touched that I had to switch languages to keep from breaking down in front of everybody. "Duele mucho," I said. It hurts so much.   
To relax and let the pain go through me is extremely hard and lonesome. Though I know I am not alone I can't help but feel lonely. Relax, relax, relax....

I signed up for this class because as an easy-to-target lgbt person with multiple disabilities I wanted to learn self-defense. I wanted to also prove to myself that alternative modes of exercise were possible, and that I could rely on the knowledge and humanity of others to help me achieve goals. Instead, karate has saved my life a hundred times and made me a better person.